A SEASON OF CRUSHING

4.13.22 April 27th of last year I said a really scary prayer. A prayer that I knew would require a lot of me. A lot of growing, learning,...

3.19.2022 I am happy today. These days I feel joyful and ready to tackle the day. I’m happy to clean the house, do some laundry, keep up...

3.17.2022 This is a trauma response. I’m ok. I’m ok. This is just trauma being triggered. I don’t think I’m ok. Today I’m getting my HSG...

3.11.22 I've noticed that I haven't been taking very good care of myself recently. I can't pinpoint when it started but gradually I began...

3.7.2022 I stood with one foot out in the aisle and one foot planted back by the safety of my seat. “I will never force you to follow...

2.18.2022 Kyle and I have been together for 11 years. Woah. At 29 years old, going on 30 that’s really cool to think about. In this hurt...

2.8.2022 I STILL sit here in awe that I am able to have such a beautiful baby boy sleep on my chest tonight while also grieving the loss...

2.6.22 This morning I looked out at the vastness of canyon that our God created. “What do you want me to know in my sadness right now...

1.24.2022 We have had Xavier for one whole month. Our days in his NICU seem like forever ago already…which is weird because our time with...

1.4.21 Today was an emotional day. Ugh. I began my day deprived of sleep from the 4am and 7am feed and actually got myself ready which...

1.22.2022 What if my happiness is an insult to Alba’s memory? What if there is zero honor for Alba’s life by my being happy for Zay’s? In...

(these random entries are over the course of 1 month back in Nov 21’-Dec 21’) Last week it was confirmed to me by my caseworker that Cami...

Kyle and I left the hospital and headed directly to the hotel I had booked for us to begin the initial steps of dumping our grief. I...

1.1.22 The ADD in me has me extra motivated, inspired, hopeful, and ecstatic for the new year. I angst to begin new bible studies, start...

12.23.2021 I have PTSD. I knew this when I got a simple cold from my kids a couple weeks ago and was hit with emotions of grief like in...

12.16.21 I catch myself being caught up in the excitement, the thrill of a new journey, a new chapter….a new baby. Everything and...

12.8.21 My day was an unexpected rollercoaster. I only just sat down to get my nails done when I received a phone call from my foster...

This is going to take me a long time to get out. I’ve been dragging my feet on starting this journey of sharing my birth story. Birth...

11.24.2021 Yesterday was Danielle’s birthday and while the date was remembered, of course, I was unphased. Not in an insensitive way but...

11.11.21 ——- 11.16.21 I haven’t been writing much as you can see above. I dated it, but left my iPad for days because I didn’t want to...