2.6.22
This morning I looked out at the vastness of canyon that our God created. “What do you want me to know in my sadness right now Lord?”, I asked Him as I sat close to the edge and just listened. “Look at this canyon, I created it, its my work of art. But you, YOU are my masterpiece that I take greater pride in than even the most beautiful scenic views you could ever adventure to.” As soon as I heard his sweet and gentle message to me, I sprawled myself out. Yes, I laid flat down at the top of this cliff and scenic view and closed my eyes to praise our amazing creator. He is so good.
To rewind a bit, all my words fall short. There is not a sufficient enough way to explain my heart right now. To explain my grief. My heart that has been ripped open to re-experience old grief and discover new grief.
I’m on a plane back from a trip that this time last week was not in my calendar. With zero idea on where to start….Let’s start with the random first part of this journey. As I was literally stepping onto my plane to head to Las Vegas where I planned to meet my friend and drive to Zion National Park together, I received a text “MY FLIGHT JUST GOT CANCELLED”. In a state of pure stress, we quickly decided that i would continue on this flight and stay in Vegas for the night to wait for her new flight to come in the morning. My flight to Vegas ended up being quite interesting. Out of the entire fully booked plane, somehow, my row was left with an empty middle seat between myself in the aisle and a Puerto Rican man who immediately came off grumpy. However, he asked me for a phone charger to use for 10 minutes and may yes was the green light for him to 1.tell me his entire life story and 2. Use my charger the entire 4.5 hour plane ride. As a way of saying thank you, J (what this man liked to be called) nought me a couple drinks on the plane and continued to give every detail of his life. After some key topics: He came from nothing and now makes well for himself, his kids are his entire world, he has full custody of them, he struggles with anger and bitterness. I asked him about his faith and we dove heavy into Jesus. I find it so interesting the people i speak with who claim to know the gospel of Jesus Christ and come to find out have been given a really jaded and toxic manipulation of it. I hope I was able to plant a seed with him for the truth….He brought up other heavy topics that I enjoyed the challenge of best explaining such as Enoch, Revelations, Fallen Angels, the Holy Spirits actual purpose and who He is. It was great but the conversation lasted the entire flight. I am not a talker on plane rides. Even right now, I have my headphones in and refuse to make eye contact with anyone to avoid the risk of conversation.
The next morning I woke up early in Vegas due to the time change and had time to kill before my friend landed. I made my way to the closest breakfast spot with coffee. It happened to be in Caesar’s palace and I was surprised to see the liveliness at 8:45 in the morning. I found a spot at the bar and immediately got my coffee. A man came and sat kiddy corner from me at the corner of this bar with a glass of wine in hand and made a request for a shot of 1942. I made 2 poor decisions at this point. My first was making the comment, “hmph, good choice.” As i looked back down at my phone the man chirped up,”well you want one then?” He watched me dramatically look at my phone to check the time but then watched me make my second mistake. “Uh…..ok why not.ummm, thank you.” To say mistake, I guess I’m not sure if it was or not because this answer allowed John (another J name lol) to share with me his entire life story, quite dramatically and full of theatrics for the entire bar to listen in on as he yelled about how he came from nothing and now makes so much money that he doesn’t know what to do with it all. His kids are his entire life and he has full custody of 2 of them which is so so sad he shouted to me and the bartender. He struggled with heavy anger and bitterness (notice how these two men had the exact same story?) I think before Alba I would have melted from humility in my seat. This random dude was pouring his heart out to me in such a loud intimidating manner, not at me but TO me. I would have died from the onlooking eyes. But I sat there and chuckled throughout our conversation because I’m in such a mindset of “yup, this is just my life.”. Sadly, John admitted to how broken he was, “Listen, I’m a broken person.”, he loudly declared to me and I boldly responded back with “Yeah, John you are!” He laughed and laughed but then said how he believes in God and prays. I took advantage of my in. “But John, what are your thoughts on Jesus because I think He would be worth looking into for your brokenness.” And boom...we chatted heavy on the gospel of Jesus Christ and what that means compared to the jaded and manipulated version he learned through his childhood as a Catholic. At this point, I am slowly trying to pack up my stuff and head out. I have been done with my food, my coffee and checked out for some time but John needed to get some things out. As the topic of Jesus slowly died down and he progressed back in another angry rant on the mother of his children, I told John i was headed out but i reached for his hand and told him I’d be praying for an encounter with the Holy Spirit for him. He asked me if I would pray for his mother struggling with cancer. I replied of course and said goodbye.
I powerwalked back to my room and told myself I was done socializing in Vegas. I sat and waited for my friend for a hour and then finally my trip began.
We spent the day driving from Vegas to Springdale, Utah - the town within Zion and by the time we got there we only had enough daylight to venture on a small hike close by. Fortunately, there is not a single boring hike in the park. Everywhere you look is a beautiful view of canyon! However, I was quickly reminded of the new body that I was working with. A broken body that did not match my mental strength I still carry. A broken body that is potentially dealing with chronic back pain from.a botched epidural (two of them actually because epidural leaks are cured with ANOTHER epidural). A broken body that hasn’t worked out in a year. A broken body that hurts at my incision site still. I cry thinking about it but the Lord made me face it on this time.
The next day, and only full day we had to adventure Zion was jam packed. We woke up early and began our day doing the narrows. For those that aren’t familiar (like I was), the narrows hike is a hike UPSTREAM within the bottom and between canyons. We rented bibs and boots and began the rigorous upstream hike by 9am. I was immediately met with many battles. The obvious and most superficial one being my physical endurance.I’m heavily out of shape and stayed at the back of the pack of myself, and two friends. The pace was absolutely insane, even one of my friends who had just done this exact hike in November was floured at how we made it to and back within the 3.5 hours that we had before moving onto another booked adventure. When I tell you….hahah...I laugh now but I was in some DARKNESS physically, but when i tell you that the supernatural strength the Lord put on me to keep up with my friends and not even be really sore the next day is MIRACULOUS. This didn’t happen randomly to me though. To get back to that darkness...hahaha. I laugh when things hurt sometimes, or i guess looking back on what I went though in the thick of that rigorous hike. There is so much focus on not slipping on slippery rocks, not falling from the heavy stream, and muscling through the water in your gear. I found myself in deep worship and praise for the Lord. When darkness comes, whether physically like this time or emotionally and mentally, this crazy supernatural faith kicks in and I pour out my love for the Lord in return. I internally sang many songs of his goodness, I prayed and gave thanks for this trip. I asked and declared (over and over again) for supernatural strength, endurance and speed and time. Over and over again i repeated it as my legs fought to stop, my heart fought to not acknowledge the enormous elephant in the room that was my grief in a state of mind that I was physically fatigued. How grief works...for me anyways… is that any physical pain endured will bring with it a bout of grief that is another level. My PTSD can’t separate the difference between normal physical stress and detrimental pain from grief. In my initial days of grief as the infection was brewing in my csection incision site, I thought the pain i was enduring was 1. Normal csection recovery but 2. Mainly grief. I had fully convinced myself that the loss of a child hurt so so bad that not only did it feel like I was internally dying, but that my physical matched what I was emotionally feeling. Again, I was delusional. And I’m paying for that mindset now that has seared into my heart, physical and emotional pain, together working to always be present as a team. If there is physical pain, grief comes with it. It’s weird and hard to explain and super inconvenient in times where I find myself pushing my body to the absolute max in the middle of a crazy hike in Mt. Zion….very inconvenient. However! The Lord is faithful. So faithful. I was able to keep up with my friends, make great timing with them that they were proud of, and keep the tears that seemed to be endlessly running, to myself. The narrows hike was a once in a lifetime experience that I am so proud of doing. I am so proud of my body for doing. In all fo this struggle Ive been explaining, Ive also been super disappointed with my body for reasons like above. I struggle with thinking my body failed me miserably during birth, post birth, postpartum, my body hasn’t been stepping up. But on this trip it did. God reminded me of what my body is still capable of doing and that I ought to love this temple that He has created for me….I’m still working on it.
We made our way to our next adventure after the narrows. Horseback riding. This trip,while not as physical, was still so much fun. As we got assigned our horse to ride, I was assigned the only girl in the pack…..because of course I did. Naka was a feisty old gal that loved sneaking snacks on our trail ride and biting the butts of the other horses if they were too close HA. She loved pets and scratches. Interestingly, I carried zero fear in hopping on a horse and going for it. I felt at peace actually. It was a calming adventure that still involved amazing views and a cool mini talk into some slots in the canyon.
By the end of this adventure, we were starving and had nothing else set in stone to do for the day. Maybe it was the calmness of a day coming to wind down but my anxiety and grief sky rocketed. I did everything in me to hide it but my friend saw right through me. Sadly, I knew what was happening. The very reason Kyle and I are hesitant to travel and go places right now. I had hit my mental cap of pretending that I was ok. That I was a normal version of myself again without the debilitating grief that I am chained to right now. Grief had begrudgingly allowed Joy to takeover but its patience had run out. Grief needed to come out and needed my attention. Joy could no longer hold on and had completely let go of me to deal with the back-up of grief that I had chosen not to feel during my time here. It’s been a minute since it has hit that hard. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to think, it hurt to do anything and all i could do was think of Alba. It hurt so inexplainable bad. My friend jumped in the backseat with me and prayed over me as we made our way back to our airbnb. I sat there with my endless tears coming down and just was. In the spirit I was dancing and joyful for the Lord. I was jumping in worship for Him, but in the natural I was distraught and broken. They still don’t match and I’m not sure why. My friend prayed for a shield of faith on me and I saw myself in the spirit standing there arms out with every new friend that I had made within the church arming me with a different piece of Christ’s armor. Kaylea gave me the shield of faith, Nadia put on my crown of salvation, Gabby gave me the belt of truth, Emily gave me the sword of the spirit, Kristi gave me the chest plate of righteousness, Cosette gave me the sandals of peace,
We got back to the airbnb and I melted into the bed. I was paralyzed in grief. There was zero desire for anything anymore. And Now I was in Zion with 2 friends and in a complete inability to do anything but lay there and grieve. I wished to be home. My lower back pain was through the roof from what I put it through earlier and the PSTD of that pain coinciding with my debilitating grief was so heavy. But what could i do? My friends wouldn’t leave me like this. They deserved more than to watch me fight against my grief for the remainder of the night. I did something I hadn’t done before and am definitely paying the price for. I swallowed it. I prayed for God to just pause my grief, make it bearable enough to move along for the remainder of this trip. I shoved the elephant size portion of grief that was demanding to be faced, into a tiny closet within my heart. I pushed the door shut and while the doorframe looked like that of a cartoon, bending and about to break back open. I turned away from it and got out of bed and off to dinner. We had great conversation that night together about God, different topics, our own stories growing up. I went to the bathroom once and my heart took advantage of the 5 minutes alone and let out streams of tears. Not yet, I told myself and went back to my night. We came back to the airbnb and I took a full Xanax. I couldn’t risk my heart recognizing the end of the day to relax and allow the locked up elephant of grief to exit from its tiny closet. I took a shower to give my heart a moment of tears to be released before heading back to bed with my friends. Thank you God for healing me I said to myself, and I passed out for the night. I woke up to the elephant of grief having broken out of its closet and and demanding my attention. Not yet I said again and shoved it back in its tiny confines of my heart. I’m not sure how long I can do this for, I thought to myself. Ive never suffocated it like this yet. I prayed for the Lord to get me through the grief enough to get through my last day. I was in heavy spiritual battle at this point. I could recognize different spirits trying hard to take advantage of the state that I was in and I worked hard to not only combat the mess going on in my head, but also not worry my friends. We got up and booked it to the last hike we wanted to do before heading home. A short 1 mile hike to a scenic overlook of the canyons. At this point, physical exertion was touchy for me. My mental state was dying for a way to feel the grief that I was locking up. But we made it to our overlook and knew God wanted my attention. “I think I’m going to go praise and worship God over here for a little.” I told my friends and moved to a little secluded area alongside the edge of our view. I sat and quietly through grief a bone and let some tears fall. While praying and giving thanks, I asked God what he wanted me to know today. He told me to open my eyes and LOOK. “Look at this canyon, I created it, its my work of art. But you, YOU are my masterpiece that I take greater pride in than even the most beautiful scenic views you could ever adventure to.” As soon as I heard his sweet and gentle message to me, I sprawled myself out. Yes, I laid flat down at the top of this cliff and scenic view and closed my eyes to praise our amazing creator. He is so good.
With a care of what others thought, as i heard voices around me taking pictures of the view we were surrounded by, I lay there in silence, on my back and eyes closed as tears streamed down. I felt God lift the weight of the elephant off of me and replace it with a much smaller size portion of grief, about the size of a lion. I can deal with that. We made our way back to the car and packed our things for the trek home. The work to hold back tears was less, by far, but not gone. My friend put on a podcast that she had been mentioning by Shannon Casteel. A God fearing woman who also had lost a.child, many actually. She had 4 children but has lost 5, 1 of those losses being very late into pregnancy. I silently sobbed as her testimony hit every cord that Ive been avoiding the past 16 hours. In an unholy type of grief, I take in so much more from someone who is also dealing with the loss of the child and only from the loss of child. I know trauma, I know loss, I don’t care to hear about yours right now. I want the actual warrior in the room, the one who has lost the most perfect, precious and innocent thing in their life. The grieving mother will always be the strongest person in the room to me and right now, I only want to hear from them for encouragement and strength. I got a lot of our her testimony and while some truths were hard to hear, super inspiring to hear, and very motivating, I grew from it.
“The enemy is going to regret the day he ever stole a baby from me.”
^^^Phew, that’s good. That’s so good! That fire is why I only want to hear from grieving mothers. That fire is what I desire to align myself with. THAT FIRE is what I plan to use to further the gospel. Albas life, her purpose, her name being inspired by revival…...her assignment on this Earth isn’t done yet because Ill be the one completing it for her. I’m her mama, that’s what mama’s do.
Lord I’m awkwardly silently sobbing on this plane and I’m positive this poor young guy next to me knows…..Not yet, Just let me get to the car in Detroit.
I’m leaving Zion a wreck. Both good and bad, I think this trip was absolutely God influenced and I’m so happy I went. I’m not sure if I’m coming back in better shape or for worse but I have complete faith that the roller coast that I went through emotionally was for a reason that I am keeping myself open to finding out more of. I’m going to pay for the hit of grief that is waiting for me when I get home and am able to release it. But like Romans 8:18 says “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to is.”
Moving to a moment of complete thanks for my amazing husband Kyle. Can any of us think of a husband who would allow their full time SAHM wife of their 4 TODDLER\/BABIES to up leave to go across the country in a TWO day notice??? Without angst, without hesitancy, without strife, Kyle helped me figure out the logistics to go and gave me peace of mind to leave. I owe a weeks worth of night time feeds and juijitsu practices. I don’t deserve such an amazing team mate.
I’m also realizing how amazing our entire village is that fully helps us in raising our kids. We have a STACKED team of grandparents/aunts and uncles who adore our children so much and are always so wiling to take them. I couldn’t take on this mission of foster care and the route of parenthood we chose for ourselves without them.
“Though the winter is long, even richer the harvest it brings. Though my waiting prolongs even greater, your promise for me, like a seed. I believe that my season will come.”
“If all I know of harvest is that its worth my patience. Then if you’re not done working, God I’m not done waiting.”