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  • Writer's pictureGabriela Horr

6.28.22 - 8.26.22

6.28.22


We have a weird week. A good week. A really social week. We have 2 double dates planned and then a worship night out with friends. Unlike us to just be out 3 weeknights in a row, especially together. Atleast one of us is home with the kids while the other is at practice, ministry school or bible studies. I’m looking forward to the time together with Kyle and for the friendships as our double dates are with new friends in our lives. We have had a huge influx of new friendships com into our lives and its extremely refreshing and fun to meet new people. I probably won’t always think that way haha. I’m getting old.


7.12.22


This may have been the longest I’ve gone without typing….I’m not sure if it’s just the transition into more healing and less desire for the therapy of typing out my emotions or if I’m just too busy.


7.15.22


What is the pointtttt of this blogggggggg.

I’m sad. We get it. I’m working on healing, we get that too. Obviously there is always much to be said about my current state of grief, my emotions, my deep thoughts. But I’m losing steam on sharing them.


The anxiety of September is slowly creeping up on me. I so badly want to celebrate Alba but that type of grief, when it feels just like yesterday, hits SO HARD that its work to even breathe. What if I’m hit by that grief on September 11th?


7.26.22


Kyle and I sat down at our kitchen table the other night and hashed out some thoughts and emotions. This is the first time we have really ever done this. I realized how much I have really needed to confide in my partner, the one person who has experienced this with me, and just rehash memories. That’s how I cope and work through healing, by just verbally rehashing over and over again. You guys know this, obviously. Kyle listened and asked questions. He even gave his own rehashing at some memories as well or his own perspective of certain points throughout last fall. It’s all been such a blur but also surreal still. Even still, it’s hard for me to fully wrap my head around what has happened. We lost our daughter. We gained our son.


The Holy Spirit put a specific memory in my mind one night while I was laying in my prayer room. I had a couple inconsolable crying/ panic attacks in the hospital. My first one though was the worst because it was the first time where I realized I had zero control over my sobbing. The loud yelling and sobbing would not stop. It was as though this was my only way at this point for my body to try to release the pain I was enduring. The nurse and NP came in and I look back at my delusional grieving self, who still clung to any hope of keeping my baby and feel so sad for her. They watched me unable to calm down, unable to focus on my breathing. They seemed slightly short with me on how I wanted to handle the situation. You see, I was torn between wanting them to over the heavy hitters of xanax or ativan…so that I could say Yes. But on the other hand, I didn’t want to ask but for some reason I didn’t want them to think I was seeking and I also didn’t want it affecting my milk for Alba. I was still in hopes that my milk would be needed for my baby soon. They offered me benadryl…. To help me sleep off the mount everest size grief in my heart. To be fair, I did in fact fall asleep but only to wake up in the same panic and tears. I banked on the norco that they gave me for my c-section to help get me high enough to feel a slight numbing from the torment. However, I was so delusional in the first day that I actually denied the pain meds because I wanted to be able to walk myself up to be with Alba. But then my epidural leak kicked in and then I got behind on my pain management and I was succumbed to isolation in a dark hospital room. It wasn’t until the neonatologist had hard news for Kyle (which Kyle played it down to me so that I’d stay in bed because he didn’t want me throwing up in the NICU again) that the doctor came down and asked where I had been. The excruciating realization that they thought I had post partum depression because I wasn’t wheeling myself up to the NICU was horrible. I felt ashamed, angry, resentful, bitter, and scared that they thought I was a mom that didn’t want to be with my baby. I explained how I was feeling -> grief, anxiety of being next to Alba when my body isn’t having it. No one realized the epidural leak yet, so the neonatologist chalked it up to post partum anxiety and 10 minutes later the same nurse that helped give me benadryl had come in and asked me if I wanted xanax or ativan. Woah… I thought. I thought Ativan was a heavier hitter and at this point I was convinced that how I was feeling MUST be PP anxiety as they were saying. I remember thinking to myself that I had no idea PP anxiety could make you nauseous, light headed and with migraines. I took the ativan. While this medication helped me immensely with the dread of getting myself up to the NICU to be with Alba, I would get there only for 10 minutes to pass and I was dealing with the unbearable migraine, motion sickness, and lightheadedness again. I finally convinced myself that these were symptoms of stress from this traumatic situation I was currently walking in. Kyle forced me out of Alba’s room when I couldn’t open my eyes to even look at my daughter. I was focusing so hard on not puking. I threw up in the elevator baby. It was a couple hours after getting back to my room that a doc came in and finally confirmed that I was “a textbook case” for epidural leak. Luckily, a super easy fix especially since I’m in the hospital. Within 30 minutes they had wheeled me away and transferred blood from my arm to the epidural site and boom! I was healed. I FINALLY felt normal (as normal as one can be 3 days post c-section) but at that point I felt like a million bucks. No more crazy physical symptoms holding me back from seeing and experiencing my daughter Alba. I had a mindset that she was going to be in here for a long time but I was finally ready to be at her bedside and focus on HER and no longer me….this was at 6pm Tuesday. That night around 10:45pm, we were given the heart shattering news. And the rest played out like we all know….

So I deal with that, I have to live with that. I couldn’t be with Alba like Kyle could. I actually sat in a dark hospital room by myself for the majority of her short lived life and it kills me that I couldn’t be with here.


And there’s my therapy session of rehashing a horrible memory.


In the same conversation at that kitchen table, Kyle and I talked about having another baby. While we both want to and have plans to start trying in the fall. I really struggle with the trauma I will face once again. Signing myself up to feel horrible, anxious, depressed, scared. Now before all my christian friends come at with me “God didn’t give you fear” “Cast out that fear.” ->Go through what I went through and then sign yourself up to potentially walk through it again. *sigh*, when I say I’m scared, I’m fearful for what I know COULD happen again. But just because I’m scared doesn’t change how I’ll endure it anyways. You will always do some big things fearfully, that’s called courage. So while yes, I am scared to have another baby, I’m doing it anyways.

What I am afraid of though? Specifically? The physical aspect of it. My c-section site is still rough. It’s hurts to lean against countertops. It’s triggers my PTSD to even rub as I’ve been instructed to do to encourage nerves to wake back up. Those muscles are SHOT after being cut apart but then enduring a raging infection. The healing process is delayed and slow. It actually makes me twitch thinking of my belly and those muscles being stretched with how it feels right now. It’s tender, tight, weak, sensitive, and all around fragile but a baby needs to grow there again…. That’s stressful to me.

The emotional aspect of growing another baby. There is no “well you’re safe at 3 months to announce.” “well just make it past the second trimester and then you are absolutely fine”. No. I was perfect alllll the way up until she was pulled out of me. She had a good heartrate in the OR room right before they cut me open. So when am I safe? From the time I find out I’m pregnant to the first day out of the hospital with a healthy baby in my arms, I won’t be able to take a deep breath in. I will be in a constant mindset of worry. “Oh it won’t happen again” “you can’t think like that” “Just take one day at a time”. *sigh* Idk if i’ll be able to handle the comments from women who have never had to experience loss like this before. Lord, soften my heart to them already.


I’m escaping for Alba’s death anniversary. Actually, I’m escaping for my 30th birthday. We just leave for it on her first death anniversary. Will I be crying in an airport? We’ll see (probably yeah). But that’s what sucks about my birthday. It’s forever intertwined with the hardest days of my life. It was my birthday that I almost passed out at breakfast from shaking so much from the chills. It was my birthday that I made Kyle stand in the bathroom with me while I stood in a scorching hot shower, trying not to faint but also to warm my fevered body up. It was my birthday where we picked out the urn for Alba. It was my birthday where I had my first open vision that night where my 2 angels encouraged me not to give up because Jesus was coming to take my pain soon. And the next morning my c-section site busted open and I spent another week in the hospital that I had already viewed as my torture house.



I promised I’d write the good with the bad. ^^^Those are thoughts that run through through the days, weeks or even months. While I think of Alba every single day, multiple times a day, I am living my life. Zay is growing like a weed and for the first time I sat and pictured myself dancing with him at his wedding. That makes me tear up in joy. Nani and Cami start school in 1 month together and I will only have 2 kids at the house during the day. I can’t imagine the things I’ll be able to do with 2 kids again. Kyle’s 30th birthday is this weekend and we are going up north. I’m so happy to celebrate him! He deserves to be celebrated. Work is going amazing and I think back to when I almost left my small business altogether. I’m happy God fully booked me for the year instead. My passion project has been on the back burner for 2 weeks as I’ve been engulfed in wedding photography and kids. I’m still hopeful to launch that in September.


8.9.22


Ok. I’m gunna sit down type out these feelings. Because I still do very much experience complex thoughts about my grief but I guess less of a desire to jot them down. I’m still in survival mode but maybe just getting more and more comfortable in the state of grief I’m in. Or maybe I am slowly healing.


As September begins to approach our front door, anxiety is beginning to creep in. How will I feel? How am I supposed to feel? How should I feel? We have a cake booked and plans to implement Alba’s birthday as a day to be celebrated. A weird day for our kids as they will see us cry but sing happy birthday together. You’d think I’d know how to explain grief or death better at this point. But I dream to be able to have our family years down the road and everyone (even the babies who aren’t here yet) to know who Alba is and understand September 11th is for her. We come together and we eat cake and just be thankful that we were blessed with her, for no matter how long. I know our kids won’t feel the grief and struggle, now and even years from now, but I guess I just hope they will do it more for Kyle and I. They don’t need to pretend like they knew her, because they didn’t, but to still embrace the fact they had a sister who very much still deserves to be loved and acknowledge, I hope they do that for me throughout the years.


I think I’ve made the mistake of being too transparent when Kyle and I plan to start trying again for a baby. Not out of fear or anything. To be frank, many people forget I have a 9 month old at home and 4 kids already. And just as I felt about my 1st pregnancy is how I feel about a future one. I don’t need to get pregnant, I am perfectly satisfied with my babies. I became pregnant more to experience it physically rather than because I needed to biologically have one. I really only think my friend Katie could understand that with having only adoptive children and none biological. I really only describe them as such for sake of explanation but these kids are MINE. That’s why Zay is such a miracle in my eyes. Nani’s bloodline is MINE, Cami/Sofi/Zay’s bloodline is MINE. God blessed me with another baby that he KNEW would be MINE. Anyways… even now, I don’t feel desperate to get pregnant. We only wanted 4 kids. I would tell Kyle all the time with Alba that I wanted that to be my only pregnancy. I was completely satisfied. While I do want to get pregnant now for the sake of creating another beautiful baby with Kyle and to bring redemption back, if it couldn’t happen, sure I’d feel without closure because I want to have a happy ending….but I already do have a happy ending. I have Zay. Maybe a pretty pre-mature happy ending that I still struggle to acknowledge as so sometimes because he came in the absolutely freshness of my loss, but Zay truly could be my last baby and I’d soak up the last milestones, and last firsts that all do with their last babies. BUT…I just know he isn’t. And honestly, I think far from it. Which is hard because I ONLY WANTED 4 KIDS. and now I might just blink and end up with 7. OY. But back to my main point of being too transparent, I share all of that to further share that I dread the monthly check ups from friends. I won’t mind sharing that I didn’t get pregnant in September right away but I will mind the response of “ohhhh well don’t worry, it will happen, keep your head up.” “keep praying and that womb will open.” hahahah, I’m so sorry but no. I don’t need that. Genuinely. I AM OK with not being pregnant right now but still trying. Does that make sense? If I’m pregnant, GREAT! If I’m not, THAT’S OK. (obvi, i'm in a big all caps mood today). I don’t want to hear encouragement or wisdom because to be frank again, you just don’t understand. Even if I was desperate to immediately get pregnant and experience it all again, you don’t realize what I’m signing myself up for. You don’t understand that I am already mentally capped out with my kids as is yet I am going to have more. (Karens wait… I am mentally OK to have more….but have 4 kids under 4 and tell me you are never overwhelmed or burnt out. Im counting down until school starts.) *sigh* it’s my blog so I can over explain as much as I want… I’m looking forward to being pregnant again, however, I will not be upset as months go by and I’m not right away. Zay isn’t even 1. I could stand to have a normal age gap again…


I think back to the logic that has been shared with me many times throughout this year of blogging my grief. “You signed up for the comments or unnecessary advice by publicly sharing this.” ← An interesting take that I plan to share my grief focused opinion on (here we go). I have definitely “signed up” for the world to see my open heart, the good days, the bad days. And I guess I even signed myself up for entitlement to seep out of people and give them the absolute audacity to feel as though they can critique, comment, or give unsolicited advice on how we are to grieve. However, let’s think about it. If you sign yourself up to face a grieving mother and then stand in astonishment when I give my own advice on how you should STFU….let’s not be surprised. (I’m laughing just typing that lol).


Another point, (my kids are behaving so I’ll just type away until a fight breaks out)--

I spoke with a friend and expressed that as hard as it may be to sit in this idea but I almost feel obligated to keep people in my life updated on my pregnancy journey. I feel sometimes that the family and friends in my life need hope in this situation just as much as I do. But I was reminded by this friend that my family lost someone too. They lost a granddaughter, a great-granddaughter, a niece. I tend to forget that other people who grieving Alba too. That even though no one but Kyle and I, my mom and my MIL got to meet her, my family still grieves for her as they grieve to see me grieve too. Loss is hard but I need to be more aware of others.


Ok, how is it only 11:15am, it feels like it's been 2 days since these kids have been up. I am TIRED.


-We’re not in therapy right now. Our summer schedules got the best of us and Fall is looking rough to make it happen. It is HARD to get a weekday off for both Kyle and I. One of us can always leave the house but the other has to stay back. Getting both of us away is hard. I really want to prioritize the kids and Kyle’s schedules. Kyle needs the jiu jitsu time but also continued therapy. We may put him back into a schedule with our therapist but keep me home. I don’t feel like I really need it but Kyle is very transparent that he does. Maybe because he never talks about it except for those sessions and his only outlet of grief is physically through jiu jitsu.


I am currently planning my October retreat. I feel a conviction to focus on marriage. Marriage in the bible, marriage for us now, our roles as wives and our power/covering over our families. There are so many women who need encouragement, direction and knowledge in how to live out a godly marriage. I need help in finding people to speak on it besides me though.


Currently dealing with the mental warfare of complacency. I’d prefer not to study, not to research, not to pray, not to heavily hunker down in prayer, that is, because I conversate with God all the time but the meditation part is lacking.


I was at a worship night the other day and God gave me a beautiful reminder that he knew Alba’s life before she lived it. He knew she would be named Alba with the meaning of “new beginnings/revival” and he reminded me that while her purpose is being fulfilled in bringing revival out amongst women, the main purpose for her name was to bring revival out in ME… *sigh*, God really knows how to wreck your girl.


He also gave me another visual of coming to Him at the judgment seat on judgment day but there were masses of women behind me. He reminded me that my call is to bring as many people to Him as possible before Jesus returns. I will stand before Him one day and take an account for the souls I was given responsibility over to bring to Him. And those souls will stand behind me as we all praise God and shout that Jesus is Lord. It was powerful and it was beautiful. An intense message to remind me of my assignment on this Earth while I wait to be reunited with my baby.


Do you guys think Jesus will return in our lifetime? Not that we are to know the day or hour but man I go back and forth on whether Christ is coming back while I’m still walking this Earth. I sit in anguish for my family members that don’t know Jesus yet. How crucial it is to share the story of Jesus (the gospel) with everyone. This life is a blink compared to eternity we will be sharing with God, I want everyone I love there.


The role and rewards we have in Heaven will reflect the roles that we were willing to say yes to here on Earth. What are you saying NO to God about?


—>why was I so feisty earlier? It’s later in the evening now and I’m forcing myself to jot some more stuff down for sake of always forgetting to do it any other time. Maybe I feel more calm after having put all the kids to bed….

Sometimes I get paranoid in my peace. I question if its disasscoation or actual peace. How do I tell?



8.22.22


I’ve been wanting to post these pages now of my thoughts but honestly I havent felt any rush to. For the first time in this year of grieving, I haven’t been angsty to get my heart and emotions out into the world. Not that I’ve ever been really amped up to share my open heart, this has been a walk of obedience for what the Lord has asked me to do, but I haven’t felt the Holy Spirit gently pushing me to post either. I’ve been at peace with simply coming to my google docs without the thought of publicly sharing, and then moving on with my day.


I am still somehow managing to be in conversation with someone new every week. Someone who doesn’t know my loss and as time goes on, it’s hard to be that person that implements a heavy topic into the conversation but as new people get to know me, how do they not learn of this dagger in my heart that I’m walking around with? My therapist calls this exposure therapy, the fact that I continue to share losing Alba with other people has allowed me to heal more and move forward.


8.26.22


Excuses for why I’m not posting this blog:

-I’ve had all 4 kids home this summer and have been so swamped.

-Work has been busy too.

-I don’t feel compelled too


I happen to end up driving past the hotel that Kyle and I retreated too after saying goodbye to Alba. It snuck up on me before I could fully register where I was and what I was passing. On the highway, I drove by it so fast that my emotion barely had a second to sit in it but still, I felt a small hit of the thickness of grief that hotel holds and I turned up the music and forced myself to sing to help get through the moment. How do I just put a big “X” on my maps app to help me avoid that area again?




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