6.19.22 - 6.24.22

6.19.22

Today is father’s day. While today was good, really good and relaxed, Kyle still struggled with the same acknowledgement that I did on mother’s day. Parents shouldn’t outlive their children and were celebrating a day as a parent but without all of his kids.

I opened this with that hard grief thought because its true. Everything I share on this platform is true, raw….very raw and honest. However, I’ve used this blog as a means to dump ONLY my grief while failing to fully express the good, the joy, and actually the majority of my days. Failed is a poor choice of wording because the intention of this blog was always to dump my grief, yes, but also to be honest in what my grief is like on the day to day. Which in all honesty is 20% grief and 80% good. I can see how someone who may only be keeping up with how I’m doing through this blog would think that I’m not doing well. Eek, I’ve never really given it much thought to the outsiders looking through this skewed lens into my life and coming to the conclusion that I am severely struggling. Don’t get me wrong, I am struggling, who wouldn’t be? However, I am also living well. Which seems weird to share here, I almost feel I am only allowed to share the bad stuff on this blog.

Kyle’s job has been such a blessing to us. He gets to work from home Mondays and Fridays so we have him home with us 4 days a week and sometimes even 5 with the random Wednesdays. We are thriving as a family with this work schedule, it’s amazing for the kids. Zay is sleeping through the night and I am so proud to be 4-0 with sleep training all of these babies like we have. That baby is still such a gift, I tell him everyday. I’ve been in a spiritual funk since my women’s weekend gathering at the end of April but God is still loving on me with random divine appointments and heart felt scripture being placed on my heart. He has me in a season of hunkering down at home for my children and their own needs and I’m working on embracing the slower pace. My marriage (while my blog may only see the super hard grief parts of it) is thriving. And I chuckle as I type that because I feel like I’m sitting here like “no guys really believe me. I’m doing sooo soo great.” Which to that i have to say…you don’t have to believe me lol. Really you don’t. That’s not the point of this blog, ya know? To convince you whether I”m doing ok or not. The point of it is to dump my grief and be brutally honest in this first year of losing a child unexpectedly. That’s what I was called to do, I have to remain obedient to that whether people come to varying conclusions about my life or not.

Monday’s have been swamped with doc apps but as I slow down (only slightly) with those, I have a Monday back where my family watches my children and I am able to run errands and even type or do homework. It brings me great relief and feelings of identity outside of being a mom of 4. I’m thankful for my village, always.

Do I believe that my mindset, my route of coping is the only means to get work through healing from the loss of a child? No. Definitely not. However, I feel for unbelievers who don’t have the hope that they will see their loved ones again. My heart breaks for the grieving mamas out there who have suffered so much loss aside from losing their child that their deep rooted mindset now is simply a “It is what it is, you have to accept it and life is just horrible and always will be horrible.” How hopeless and honestly isolating. To sit in agreement with this world that you are destined to failure, to loss, to suffering without the promised victory and redemption that God has for us. And we just ought to accept that this is all that life has for us. I cry for that mindset because I can see how easily it is to fall into it. It’s so deceptively believable. But I don’t align with it. I believe in redemption. I believe in healing. I believe in joy after loss. I believe in God having the final say. My hope is in Him. I genuinely get curious, where are other women placing their hope if not in God? How are you surviving? How are you coping? Are you simply just getting through the days waiting for the next bad thing to happen? Are you coming to terms with your loss but in a toxic mindset of “this life is just bad, accept it.”? Why is my heart hurting so much for these women today?

I’m planning another women’s gathering in the fall.

6.27.22

A first monday in a LONG time where I have been able to run errands for my photography business and then find myself at my favorite bar (Honcho) and blog some feelings. I’m in my busy season of wedding photography and honestly this time of beautiful weddings, networking, community with other photographers and pleasant interaction with sweet brides really makes me feel great. Feel accomplished. In these moments of feeling motivated, confident…happy, I always ask God to keep these feelings alive in me. I hate when I crash from the happy emotions and dive head first back into the overwhelm, the anxiety…the sadness. But that’s not me today! Today I’m productive and allowing myself to enjoy the break from kids and focus on myself after still have ran errands for the family and myself.

Sticking to allowing myself to share the actuality of my days and not only the good, I’m happy to say that I find joy in seeing my girls know who Alba is in photos we have around the house. I say around the house but we have her footprints on one table and then our digital picture frame shows her ultrasound photo. The girls yell out “that’s Alba!” everytime and my hearts melts. I love that they know her. Nani has had a bigger interest in Alba recently and like to pray “Jesus we love and Alba we miss you”. *cue happy tears*. I want Alba’s first birthday to be a day of celebration because I firmly believe in beginning this yearly struggle to get through September with the strong intent to find joy and celebration in it. She was born, she was given to us, she was a gift that while short lived, we still got to meet and see our precious baby girl. She deserves to be celebrated more than mourned. I mourn her 364 days of the year, I can celebrate her on her day. Kyle feels the same but with a deeper struggle to actually demonstrate happiness. I get it, we are forcing ourselves to go against the grain of grief and choose to be peaceful and happy. I wonder if those who think I’m not doing well off of this blog, but are going through the same thing, will be the same on their anniversary days. ←- That was bitterness and while I wish to delete it and act like I never have moments like that in my grief. I want to be astonishingly honest on this platform. So instead, I will apologize. I’m sorry for those bitter moments, I promise I only feel that way 5% of the time.

I have my tattoo booked! I’d describe it but Lord knows I’d make it sound horrendous. I finally found a great fine line tattoo artist to give me my half sleeve on my left arm. She books out like crazy and I’m currently booked for November 30 but I’m a mix of hoping I’m pregnant by then and being excited to get it if I’m not. In an ideal world, I would get pregnant in March. Wedding Photography has me planning my pregnancy around my busy season. Last year I had to cancel the biggest wedding of my entire career because it was 10 days before my due date, and it actually ended up being 7 days after I actually ended up giving birth and losing my entire life… so while I’m happy I canceled. I hope to never have to give up a huge wedding like that again. But also in my thoughts, who am I to try and plan to be pregnant in March for the sake of photography? If only it were that easy! I see many many of my friends struggle with secondary infertility and while I shake my fist at the sky and yell “well my first doesn’t count!” (i don’t mean that, it absolutely counted and meant everything to me), I hope to not struggle. I hope to get pregnant exactly when I plan to and have another smooth sailing 9 months and then actually experience a great delivery. I really hope that for myself. I deserve that.