Alba,
I feel a little silly writing to you because I don’t see this as a means to feel closer to you on your first Heaven day. I ask Jesus what you are up to in Heaven every day. I don’t write as a way to communicate with you, I know you aren’t focused on earthly things but instead helping Jesus build Heaven. I prefer it that way too.
I’m writing this letter to you as a means to help me take one step closer to healing from the loss of you. “Loss” being so plainly used but really the only way for me to explain it. I didn’t lose you. Our souls will come back together in Heaven and then it’s eternity together with our Abba Father. My flesh perceives it as a loss while my spirit is filled with the hope of an inevitable gain I’ll have when I see you again.
The Lord’s given me visuals of you through your ages. What a cool God He is to show me your dark wavy brown hair, just like your cousins Aly + Gigi. You (unkindly) took every feature of your dads yet you still managed to be a mini version of me, your mama. You adore dresses like your sisters and I’ve watched you jump into Jesus’ arms many times in my mind's eye as I sit alone in prayer. You’re beautiful Alba. You’re so so beautiful.
I’ve spent the year apologizing to you. I’m sorry if it hurt. I’m sorry I wasn’t at your bedside as much as I should have been. I’m sorry we had to say goodbye immediately after our hello. However right now in this letter, I want to focus on my thank you’s.
Thank you for being my first baby. You were perfect. Your sister Aleena was my first baby to love on and parent but you were my first baby to grow and nurture. You were so good to me in pregnancy and I cherish those 9 months we shared together. I’ll forever want them back. Thank you for living up to your name. Alba- breaking dawn; new beginnings; revival. You’ve ignited a fire in me that only losing you could have allowed. Thank you for bringing me closer to God. You know him better than I do now, I can’t wait to hear what you have been up to together up there.
Could you do me a favor? Hug your future siblings for me. As they are made in the secret place and woven together in my womb, will you kiss their soul right before they make their entrance into the world?
I’m tired from missing you but I’m not weary. I have an assignment to follow through on down here. I know where you are. I know who you’re with. Give God the biggest hug from me. He’s such a good father.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you so much. A letter of any size to you will never be enough to explain it all. Thankfully we will have eternity to catch up with one another.
Love,
Your mama