1.24.2022
We have had Xavier for one whole month. Our days in his NICU seem like forever ago already…which is weird because our time with Alba in hers stills seems only like last week…
On nights when I’m extremely sleep deprived from newborn feeds in the middle of the night, I catch myself looking down at Zay and seeing Alba. My mind plays a trick on my heart that I didn't actually experience what I did with losing Alba. My mind almost can’t comprehend it. I think I must not have gone through that because I have a baby in my arms. It takes me having to remind myself that no, I did physically carry a child and physically birthed Alba….who is not currently in my arms…this is a different baby…one I didn’t birth but love all the same. My heart wants to pretend that both losing and keeping Alba has occurred instead of actually bearing the pain that I’ve only lost her. I wish I could explain my complex emotions and thoughts better and I hate to continue on with my stance that only grieving mothers could ever understand, but it’s true.
My son is 2.5 months old, weighing ~7 lbs. He is just about to graduate from preemie clothes and is safely in NB diapers, close to size 1’s. His specialist appointments are through the roof. By Jesus’ stripes, Xavier is healed from his stroke...In Jesus Name.
1.25.2022
I’ve been cooking/baking a lot. Like everyday a lot. Just my usual dinner duties where I scramble up some basic tacos (even though that is tonight’s dinner), but I purchased a new cookbook and have found therapy in the structure and focus needed to create the dish. Ive made walnut crusted chicken, tikka misala, coconut curry meatballs, cinnamon rolls from scratch...twice.
My therapist told me that I struggle with seeking perfection and carry such high standards for myself that it could be contributing to my already depressive states that give me intrusive thoughts of “what’s the freaking point”..... It was suggested that i actually be doing the opposite of what I’m doing and tone down the standards to have elaborate meals and an extra clean house…. but a clean house helps keep my sanity….i almost feel more stressed sitting in a messy house. Elaborate meals aren’t my everyday..this is just a grief phase and i always tell my family that if a recipe doesn’t work out then pizza it is. I’d like to think I don’t stress about feeding my family but more so just enjoy the challenge of creating something new..focusing on something new though cooking and baking. I’m not sure what to think about my homework for the week before i go back to therapy. Currently, I’m sitting in a MESS of a house. Ive stopped myself from the habit of constantly tidying up after everyone and have chosen to just let it be. Let the dishes be. Let the trash on the counters be….*eye twitch*, let the piles of laundry on my couch because I’m not sure why my wonderful husband would just dump them there and leave them as if that has ever been ok——-*sigh*...be. Let it be...this is not my normal. I am fighting myself on this and I’m not sure if that’s how i should be feeling or not. Is this what “growth” should feel like? Why can’t i just be that mom who enjoys a super tidy house? Not even scrubbed clean by any means, but just tidy! It’s the one thing i can control in the madness of this huge family i have. It’s not hurting anyone. I allow messes, i allow spills...i expect them as a mom of 4 and even embrace them. But i just like things to be put where they belong. *sigh again*. I could on but i know I’ve already exposed by OCD enough and obvious control issues when it comes to cleaning. Was this an issue before losing Alba? Yes. But is it probably heightened now after losing Alba? Also yes. I’m working on it in therapy.
1.28.22
Hm. Tempted to just erase that entire entry above. Sharing is annoyingly vulnerable. I’d much rather share only the days that make me look like a strong grieving but still sane mother. If only.
2.2.22
*chugs coffee*. Where do i begin?
Well, currently, Ive been resorting to voice-to-talk messages of my thoughts while I’m driving because that is where i find myself a lot as well as find myself in deep thought. At later times in the day where I have a chance to sit and type, I’m either not in the mood to type or rehash hard thoughts again. So it gets all built up in my short term memory and I know I miss things.
I’m in this interesting season where I am out of the house a lot in the evenings or weekends. I’m either running kids to doctor appointments during the day and then racing out the door for a worship night, a bible study, a coffee date with a new friend, nails….this isn’t my normal. I usually crab at Kyle that he gets to have the fun social outings while I’m always home being a mom. This is new and this is hard on me. I thought when this season would eventually come where i found myself busy for myself and not my kids that i would be more elated. I’m actually more guilty but also missing my family so much. Don’t get me wrong, i see these kids every single day until 5pm-7pm, but the past two weekends Kyle has given me breaks and now I’m gone this weekend.
Speaking of this weekend. I received a call from a close friend of mine who invited me to drop everything and go to Utah with her. If i said yes, everything was taken care of. I just needed to say yes. But saying yes would mean leaving in TWO days for FOUR days. Leaving my husband with 4 toddler/babies and having him take a day off work. Having my village help out on Thursday and taking a kid or two with them for the weekend to relieve Kyle. I knew Kyle would say yes, not in a permission granted type of way but a supportive, “absolutely, we will work logistics later but you have to go” type of yes. It was more if I could say yes. If i could justify leaving my team mate in the thick of parenting that we are in, ALONE, and for multiple days. We have a newborn that eats every 4 hours around the clock. That 3am and 7am feed is TOUGHHH on your own. I can’t sit here and say that I would be as supportive of Kyle asking to drop everything and leave for a trip with a friend like this. Maybe that’s how we compliment each other. He’s the amazing one and I’m the always trying to improve one.
So I leave tomorrow. In the middle of a snow storm. What is my life??? That I would find myself dropping everything and leaving for an adventure...when I have 4 kids, a husband and busy schedules to rearrange…..honestly there wasn’t much rearranging. The Lord set my weekend up to be empty. My MIL had already offered to take 2 kids this weekend. But I’m a mess emotionally, leaving Zay for this long. My baby. These other kids I can leave for a week and totally having an “out of sight, out of mind” mentality HA, but my new baby?? I’m going to miss him to pieces. But i really feel that i need to go and do this for myself. It should be interesting.
My voice-to-text thoughts from in the car:
I sit here a lot and think of the moment that i was half in and out of consciousness, strapped to the operating table during my c-section and trying so hard to stop my entire body from shaking because I had heard that they were about to take the baby out of me. That moment when I didn’t hear Alba cry and waited and waited but no cry ever came. In fact, I never heard her cry in her entire life that she was Earthside. But in that moment of not hearing her cry in the operating room and everyone going from silent to complete frenzy for intervention for her, I never have talked about this because it’s been so hard to explain, but I imagined myself (not imagined) I had a vision of myself in the spirit. I was kneeling down and the throne of God stomped down in front of me. I looked up at God and full of pleading just said “this is what you have for me? I'm have to endure this?” And then the vision passed…