1.1.22
The ADD in me has me extra motivated, inspired, hopeful, and ecstatic for the new year. I angst to begin new bible studies, start new books and get my life on track as if a new year is all it takes to heal myself. I struggle with the guilt in my heart that leaving 2021 means leaving Alba. Time is impossible to stop and moving with time is just as much. I imagine myself being pulled away from Alba by the stampede of life moving on, while I throw my arms and attempt to grasp back at anything that puts me back in 2021, in september, in the hospital even. I crave to feel the initial grief I once felt in losing my daughter and feel so guilty that I no longer do. The initial grief that is… I still very much feel so much hurt. But Zay is so sooo cute. He has brought so much healing to Kyle and I which is most likely where I find the root of my guilt. I mean….can you believe it? I lost a baby and gained a baby within 4 months……MY LIFE IS WEIRD. I have had a couple friends ask me if I see myself sharing my story in front of others….in person. Oy… woah….ugh…. Because I do. I very much see myself making a huge attempt to help others who have had a loss, any loss and help them through the struggle that is fighting with the Lord, being angry with God, being peaceful but anxious, happy but sad.
—-I stopped typing mid thought up there. Oh well.
Nani came up to me randomly on NYE morning and said “Zavier a baby….mama, I miss Alba. Alba in Heaven with Jesus? The wayyyyyyy, the truth and the lifeeeeeee.”
A full blown punch to the gut. OUCH. Yet as I catch my breath from the sudden blow, I feel joy that Nani asks about her sister. I want to hear Alba’s name, it kills me that they will never really know what happened because they were so young. But Nani “sorta” gets it.
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A really simple yet amazing quote I just read from this new psychology book I began:
My heart is not a home for cowards.” - D. Antoinette Foy
^^^I said the quote to Kyle and he said “wow. Because that is exactly you. Your heart and what you share is not for the faint of heart.”
I take pride in heart, my consistent faith in Christ. But man do I struggle tremendously.
It’s all I got today. My mind will race tonight as I feed my foster son and I will wish I had shared more here or taken the effort to type it down at 4am but not every single toxic or encouraging thought can be for you.
I’m editing weddings that I am SO SO late for you. But I’m holding Xavier and I’m overwhelmed with the thoughts of how miraculous he is. How cute he is. How undeserving I am…. I find moments where I am convinced that my grief has made me so delusional that I am in a dream/fantasy where I am able to snuggle a baby, feed a baby, take care of a baby…love a baby that should have been Alba….and it can’t be real, but it somehow is. It’s real! I’m holding a baby boy that I never would have even imagined only a couple months ago. And he’s mine. I already love him so unconditionally much.