3.19.22 - 4.12.22

3.19.2022

I am happy today. These days I feel joyful and ready to tackle the day. I’m happy to clean the house, do some laundry, keep up with the dishes. Very outside of my normal routine. These days I feel a relief from the grief. Like God wanted to give me a break and blessed me with a break from the mourning. I mean, I still feel sad but…..you know what, I get tired of explaining it.

3.21.2022

I’m either reading, writing (typing), or editing. All things I enjoy and find myself doing all of the 3 for either work or recreation, but I am overwhelmed. But I don't think I’m overwhelmed with that exactly. I’m stressed with the amount of stuff I have going on right now. I’m still struggling with the crazy push to be bold, active and persistent for the Lord. This is just not who I am. Well, I guess not who I was. I guess this is who I am now….no matter how terrifying it is, God has been performing heart surgery on me ever since I said goodbye to my daughter. Would you rather have a loss radically change you or leave you the same? So I’m allowing God to do whatever it is He wants for my life now. I’m enrolled through the school of ministry at my church, I just registered for a 10 week coaching program with a ministry leader I look up to and I’m hosting a girls weekend away that will focus on worship, prayer and fellowship with the Lord. Who am I? If I would have been told this about myself only a year ago, I wouldn’t even know what to think. I’d deny it. I don’t share these things for any other reason than to someday read this back for myself. To see how much God’s hand was in my healing journey….my grief.

3.24.2022

I drained our savings a couple weeks ago. Drained it. On only 2 things:

• A very expensive 10 week coaching program through the women’s ministry I really adore. With that pircey trip, I also booked a not cheap plane ticket for their retreat in 2 weeks as part of the program.

• An airbnb for a retreat style girl’s weekend away on Lake Michigan to sit in fellowship for the Lord amongst other women with heavy focus on prayer, worship and listening to God.

Drained….. And I had been struggling with putting such a huge amount of money towards myself like this when I have a family. As a mom especially, it’s just so hard to find validation in spending that type of money for solely me, ya know?

I actually felt at peace over the bigger investment in my coaching program but I was really struggling with the airbnb/weekend away purchase. The goal is that other woman attending will contribute whatever they can, there is no desired number. I actually put the money down with little to no expectation to see any pay back of it. I felt at peace yet tormented in anxiety about it at the same time. I knew this was what God wanted me to do and even though I knew I was standing in obedience, the anxiety of saying goodbye to the very last bit of savings that Kyle was just talking about holding onto the day prior….was risky. I have been continuing to pray “God, make this financially make sense.” over and over. Just straight to the point, no fancy words, no request of a miraculous encounter with someone who hands me a wad of cash….no, just so simply make it make sense Lord. When there is obedience being played out, the hardest part is done. My part. God always follows through with his part. So when an unexpected payment of $$$ came into the picture today and I realized that i matched the exact amount that I needed to make my airbnb weekend make sense, I was astonished. Still speechless, cant really wrap my mind around it. Don’t get me wrong, this isnt a miraculous donation or anything, I am still working for trip, but now financially it makes so much more sense for my family to put money behind this trip. We won’t struggle through being paid back, we are ok again. How does God always managed to provide?

4.1.2022

The week has been tough on your girl. The entire family has been sick. We have been cooped up in this house for days just struggling through the puking, pooping, coughing, crying and more crying. I was the last one in the family to get sick and of course I’m leaving for Portland in 3 days….That seems surreal, I should really pack soon. I’ve spent my mornings in prayer that God would get me quickly through this cold and back to my normal self for this much needed retreat. I got sick Tuesday night and today, Friday, I am already feeling better. Praise Him.

Mentally, not doing well.

4.4.2022

I have been putting off writing for some time. I’m currently on a 5 hour plane ride across the country and have just now, 3 hours in, surrendered to the conviction to open up my lap top. Will it always be this tiresome now or am I just in a phase of being tired of pouring out feelings….or pouring out nothing really….Idk.

My entire household has been sick. Last week was miserable. 4 kids feels like 27 when everyone is whiney, coughing, puking, crying etc…including me. Minus the puking etc. I really only got body aches, some chills and sweats and a runny nose. I swear Nani and I are pretty comparable with the bullet proof immunity….for the most part (let’s not include last year). However, the body aches, chills and sweats put me for a loop. While only at a small fraction of the level of aches and change in body temp I still could not stop thinking of when I was laying in bed on my birthday and shaking uncontrollably because I was so cold…but so convinced that it was just grief. Which we all know by now has magnificently conjoined the two feelings, being sick and grief. Just like any intense physical work (working out) likes to bring my mind back to the deep grief I first started with. Man, it’s terribly frustrating to feel stuck in a predictable pattern. I wish I could take the easy way out, like get hypnotized and told that I could no longer feel grief again when I am sick or working out.

There is no time in Heaven. God is outside of time because he created it. Wayyyy beyond my ability to wrap my head around. The idea that there may not be much “time” passed in Alba’s eyes before her mom and dad some running up to her in Heaven makes me want to sob on the spot. This life is short but seems soooo long, years and decades will pass before I see my baby again because my only context is this life on Earth and Earthly time. But Alba? She has eternity as her context now. ETERNITY. My speckle length of a life on Earth in comparison to eternity in Heaven is frugal. The bible says “For the Lord, a thousand years is like a day and a day is like a thousand years.” (——). I bet you Alba will have only waited just a few minutes for Kyle and I to arrive, if that.

I still have no made an appointment to follow up with my OB after that HSG test. We have all been taking turns being sick, but…..but idk why I haven’t.

I’m currently on my way to Portland, Oregon to attend a retreat through the women’s ministry I really enjoy, Her Voice. I’m signed up for a 10 week coaching program that if I’m being honest, I have no idea what I’m doing in. Why am I a part of this? I’m attending Therapy, I’m reading my bible, I’m having quiet time with the Lord every morning, I’m not paralyzed by my grief, I feel as though I’m growing. So why am I doing this? Only the Lord knows because he is the one who has led me to do it. So here I am! Speaking with a private coach once a week and attending a Group meeting once a week. Both sessions being poured into with the word of God, God’s love for me and how I ought to grow into loving myself. I don’t feel like I hate myself. I’m disappointed with my body. I’m disappointed with my mental state after having Alba, that I wasn’t strong enough to crawl up to the NICU if I needed to in order to be with her more. I have to live with myself having only seen her 1-2x a day for 10 minutes at a time because my body wouldn’t get it together. I’m mad at myself. This revelation is new, sitting her just now kind of new. I don’t hate myself, but I am so mad at my body separately and my will power, or lack there of. I was able to walk around stores, eat at a restaurant while a raging infection was brewing inside of me. It was so painful that I could barely walk. I would go into the Meijer pharmacy for my prescriptions slowly to show my ID for the heavy hitters and Kyle would grab the prescription, grab a red bull, check out across the store and make his way back to the car before I could slowly maneuver my way back. The mindset was different. I was under a mindset that this was it. My life was over and this grief is debilitating so this pain makes sense. In the hospital, there was a mindset of many different things. Hope, “I have time, she will be here a while”, “ I will focus on recovering and then I will be by her side 24/7”, “Let me just sleep this nausea off first”, “This migraine after getting up must just be stress from this situation”. I was delusional but I refuse to allow myself the grace to accept that. I’m a mom, I should have been with my baby. I’m a mom, I should have made a better decision for her by getting a c-section immediately. I’m her mom, I should have been with my baby more.

Man, I’m sick of crying on planes next to people who awkwardly notice.

*sigh* I wonder what God would like for me to receive at this retreat. I’m open for all things, encouragement, wisdom, revelation, the whole shebang. Will you pray for me?

Zay has a MRI in 2 weeks. I can’t wait to face the PTSD of waiting for heavy news after it again. I’m currently 0-2 on positive results.

I know there is more. I’ve been putting it off, I guess I lose track of what I’ve experienced, the provoking thoughts that hit when I’m in the car, they just slip my mind after some time and I never get them down in time. I’ll try to be better.

4.6.2022

Oh the Lord is good. Plain and simple, He’s just very nice to me. HA. but I’m serious. God knows how to love me so perfectly.

I’m almost done with this immersion retreat in Portland. I’ve connected with like minded woman who all want the same thing for ourselves, to do better. From every walk of life we have this one huge common denominator. Being Holy Spirit filled. What do I mean by Holy Spirit filled? I mean we have accepted Jesus into our hearts and repented for our sins but we have stepped up to the feet of God and have allowed the Holy Spirit to completely breath into us and MOVE through us, shifting the atmosphere around us. “These signs will follow”!!!!

“And these signs will follow who who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes; if they should drink anything deadly, it will not harm them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will get well.” Mark 16:17-18

It’s refreshing to surround myself with women who show these fruits. Jesus says we will know who believes by our fruits (Matthew 7:16-20). I’ve been able to sit and reflect on what fruits I’m producing. Do people know I’m a christian? Do they know I love the Lord? Did you know 90% of christians DON’T share the gospel with a single person??? It’s interesting.

I’m still in a wonder of what I will take away from this coaching program. I’m curious to see how different I will come out of this. So far, I’ve been poured into so heavily. SO SO heavily. I was given an amazing prophetic word over my life that really was the reminder, the encouragement, and truth that I needed to hear. As I laid out in God’s presence, I sat so peacefully in thanksgiving over God’s love for me. In the spirit, I saw Jesus lean over me and hug me. He grabbed my face so joyfully and said “I gave you the words you asked for. I gave you the confirmation. Now go! Go and do the work!”

Things that hinder my growth:

-FEAR. But let’s remind myself. Fear is just faith in the wrong God. oomf.

-Practical knowledge. I’m banking on my coach to really give me a college course on the practicals of how the heck to navigate helping grieving mamas.

-Seasons changing. I don’t want this to be a season. And while I don’t think it is, I’m very aware of adjusting to this new version of myself and then maintaining it. This new boldness, this new fire. Lord keep me aligned with you so that you may bring freedom to others through me.

-Fear of what people think. As weird as that may sound seeing as I’m publicly posting my most raw and intimate thoughts out into the world, I care about what people think. Now while I care a lot LESS now than before losing Alba. Because what do i have to lose now? I’ve already lost it all… I’m still working on it.

Pray for me please. I can’t do this alone and while I’m not, God is walking me through it, I still need your intercession to help me achieve the plans I have.

4.12.22

I will be getting better about putting my feelings down again. (How many times will I say that?) I’ve received too many confirmations from the Lord to neglect this continued conviction to write. I must write.

To sum it up from the time I last updated to now… I got paralyzing grief on the last day of my retreat. Mortifying as the only other person outside of my husband to see me in such a horrendous state was my friend Kaylea in Utah, and that was pretty terrifying. This time my grief was put on display in front of 40 women. But man was it the best place to be for such a time as that surprising wave of sadness. The Lord heals the broken hearted…yes.. and I believe it’s through his children that he heals his children. Thank you to the woman that surrounded me and helped me feel loved and comforted in my moments of hurt. I love you all.

My heart has been changing at a rapid pace these past couple months. I am NOT who I was before losing Alba. To best explain in my loopy descriptions, I feel as though my spirit is wearing a frame that is 10x too big right now, BUT, i'm growing at such a rapid pace that I can see myself filling out the new frame of my being soon enough. I not a “shell” of myself as many people going through grief would describe it as but I am working to fill up the new, bigger, bolder shell of myself that the Lord gave me in this loss. I hope that makes sense. It’s ok if it doesn’t.