4.21.22
Last night our therapist really blew my mind with one simple question in response to my explanation that I feel torn by having longer periods of time between breakdowns over Alba.
“What are you afraid of happening when you eventually stop grieving?”
Woah, I thought. But I immediately poured out how I struggle with the thought of no longer grieving because I feel like the only relationship I have with my daughter is through grieving. The main emotional exchange on my part when I met our daughter those 4 days were full of sorrow, anguish and deep deep pain. If I stop feeling that, then did I ever even really experience her??? And when I stop “experiencing her” through the related emotions that I felt when she was here with us, I’m afraid that will lead to forgetting her….. I only know my daughter through traumatic sadness and longing. If I stop feeling sad, I stop feeling Alba. And if I stop feeling Alba then I’ll forget about her. I’ll forget the way her face was Kyle but her hair was me. I’ll forget the way she happened to look right into my eyes the day before she hemorrhaged again and began to physically look horrible. I’ll forget all of those memories of her if I one day choose to stop fully grieving over her because those are really the only emotions I have correlated to her. Don’t get me wrong, there was love…such a parental and motherly love towards Alba. The kind that felt so proud of how beautiful she was. So caring and protective and unconditional. But my only memories of Alba on this Earth are hard painful ones that I need to navigate through and figure out how to heal from in a way that allows me to remember Alba and not have to feel as though I should break down every time.
I feel I should clarify that grieving is a lifelong journey. I fully expect to cry over my daughter for the rest of my life. Not in my acute grief that I’m currently in (I cry pretty regularly of course) but as the years go by, I hope to be able to only randomly cry over her when the day is hard or another one of her birthdays come and go.
Kyle is making improvements. Baby steps but they are there. We took a month off of therapy because of sick kids and my Portland trip (we only go biweekly). I brought up the idea of discontinuing therapy because I felt as though I am in a healthy pathway to healing now. However, Kyle still isn’t and he was extremely open about that with me. With men it’s hard and they are so good at compartmentalizing every emotion. In that small room at therapy with the knowledge that we are only there to talk about Alba, Kyle lets his guard down. He cries the most there rather than home and he talks about it the most there rather than with me yet. My main goal for us both is to learn how to be fully aware in our marriage and where grief is striking in every season of life…for the rest of our life (that sounds so exhausting), and we may need to always check back in with our therapist from time to time throughout the years. But that’s ok. I’d rather always be on top of it then realize our marriage is in the gutter because we both became blind to the other. I hope that makes sense. Anyways…Kyle randomly opened up his phone to the hidden album he has of Alba’s hospital photos and looked through them as he sobbed. I was in the middle of being schooled about my grief (I guess I do still therapy for a while ha) and he just felt comfortable enough to look through some super hard moments. I’m proud of him. I pray over my husband every day that his heart would be healed and changed from Alba. Last night felt like a great step forward…..but again, grief isn’t linear so I must remind myself of that too.
4.28.2022
Taking a break from reading my bible or typing out verses or preparing tiny messages over specific topics….to come on here and pour out some thoughts. No, those arent my usual activities (could you imagine?!). No, I’m on day 2 of a 3 day fast in spiritual preparation for this women’s retreat/getaway (what do I call it?!) that I have planned. However, I’m physically preparing for it by reading up non stops at all times that I’m usually eating…which is a lot. I will say…. I don’t enjoy fasting. No one does. I think of those Victoria’s Secret models who talk about fantasizing over a cheeseburger after their runway walk and I’m pretty close to that level right now. I type this out on here because in a lot of ways I view this platform as my diary. And maybe I should reel that in more…Anyways, the enemy has caused Kyle and I to bicker every day since Sunday and my kids are bottomless pits which have me handling food nonstop and Zay won’t settle unless I’m holding him but I have to work on these messages…..the spiritual battle is heavy this week. I’m tempted to atleast get a protein shake in but I stop when I think of how I’m the LEADER of this entire gathering. Gathering….that’s a great word to describe this weekend. Not a retreat, not a getaway….but a gathering.
I plan to have more of these weekend’s. Financially not sure how that will occur seeing as Kyle had to politely sit me down and remind me that while he knows his purpose right now in this season is to handle the logistics of all my dreams and endeavors…that financially….things aren’t going to work well for long… We’re not financially struggling is the thing. But I have been THROWING money at the church, people in need, couples going through our situation on gofundme….this gathering. But the Lord will provide right?! The Lord lead me to give…right? Is it bad if I give with emotion or lead by the Lord? Or is giving giving still? Anyways, I felt horrible at the stress that lays on Kyle’s face but I’ll be transparent….I’ve gone off the deep end with this journey I’m on. This journey of hanging on tight to God as he throws us across the ocean of his plans for my life. I’ve never said yes to him so many times. I’ve never obediently walked his path for me so long. I have always drifted away, cowered away, shy’d away, ignored his calling. And right now I’m the complete opposite of who I was 8 months ago….but I didn’t realize that Kyle has been holding up the backend this entire time so heavily. The behind the scenes work that if anyone who knows me knows that I am horrible with. I can plan many many things with stride. I love planning trips, planning parties…planning gatherings but the true behind the scenes holy work of then figuring out the finances, the meals, the sleep arrangements, the finances again, the drinks, the supplies…I do NOT have the gift of administration. So as I ramble…I realize I need to hold myself more accountable in that area of this journey. I can definitely reel in the money throwing. I can definitely ask people to help. Agh, I just want everyone to come close to God and not worry about it.
I need to hop off. I’m about to enter a zoom court hearing over Zay. It’s a mess again just like his sisters were. I’m praying for big steps today.
5.4.2022
To get right to the point after my previous post, Xavier had an amazing court hearing and the Ref authorized the petition to terminate parental rights for both mom and dad. While this is detrimentally SAD→ It is not lost on me that the tragedy of a broken family is what is building mine…wow. But while this is so, these children NEED permanency. They need the continued unconditional love and stable household in order to break off everything generational that they were born into. After TWO years of radio silence and absence from parents, I feel that I’m allowed to say this. This is good. I’m hopeful for the pre-trial→ trial will be smooth sailing and Zay will be caught up with his sisters in hopes to adopt them all together on the same day. Please pray for my family.
This past weekend, the gathering I planned was AMAZING. The Holy Spirit came down on us so tangibly. His presence was thick in the air! I’m amazed at how much was done through the name of Jesus and the amount of glory we got to give the Father. He is so good. I could go on…this really was life changing for myself and the women who attended…but I’ll be honest I don’t even know where to start. I’m still in awe at how it even came to fruition. All because I said yes to God. Will there be more of these weekends? And how often? I had a mindset of “ok once this retreat has passed, I’ll kinda just take 10 and sit back for a little bit”....but God is sitting in front of me now afterwards and He’s saying “Are you ready for more?”. I’m not sure what that looks like (I never do), but all I can try to focus on is saying Yes to his call. I struggle with the lie that I’m not qualified, competent or experienced enough to be leading women towards a closer relationship with God. There’s gotta be someone more capable to be doing this right? However a close friend told me this little word of wisdom,”God doesn’t call the equipped, he equips the called”. SO GOOD. Constantly praying to be equipped for Him. Another obstacle I faced at this gathering was the hard truth that this wouldn’t be happening had I not lost Alba. Women wouldn’t be getting baptized in water, baptized in the Holy Spirit, getting closer with God this past weekend had I not lost my daughter and completely changed my heart. It’s a hard pill to swallow that the amazing moves happening for the Kingdom of God are due to a detrimental loss. Would I take it back to get her back? Man….I don’t like that question.
5.16.2022
I’ve been in a funk since the gathering. I’m aware of the spiritual attacks happening on my life, satan is pissed. I get it. Yet it’s so much harder to actually address the issue than it is to simply acknowledge it. I know I’m struggling to be positive, or happy, or even want to lead anymore…a vast difference from only 2 weeks ago…but I’m not doing anything to tackle the oppression. I’m just sitting in it. I’m negative, short to cry, short to anger, short to want to just sit in my grief and not progress or move to help others. I’m working on it.
7 months ago I didn’t sit here and think of how hard it would be to continue writing this blog through the entire year. Through the phases of hard grief, busy schedules, mini happy seasons, long sad ones, parenting 4 kids and trying to just slowly heal. This blog has been my personal diary through this loss. Should I find it good that I’m not leaning on it so heavily as I was in the beginning? That I don’t feel like I need to type out every single hard emotion when they come? But I do still want to give account to what grief is like through this first year, for others.
One thought that sat through my mind the other day was better clarifying my reason for saying yes to Xavier. When I say that I “had to” take Zay in, I mean it in the same way that you had to take your baby home from the hospital after you had them. It’s not an obligation type of “had to” but just like there was no questioning, doubt or even thought about whether you would say yes to bringing your baby home from the hospital after delivering them, it was very much like that with Zay. I never thought about whether or not I would bring Alba home after I had her. I never thought about saying no to Zay when I found out he was born.
5.18.2022
I’m still in a funk. I’m also in quite the crossroads. I’ve been asked to pray on starting a chapter of my favorite women’s ministry here in Michigan. Here in Metro Detroit. Here at home. 1 year ago, 3 months ago even I would have probably peed my pants at the thought of an opportunity like this. But instead I am distraught. I have no peace about it. I had no peace as soon as it was mentioned and I’ve continued to be tormented with the lack of confirmation that I should dive into this endeavor. Why? Is what I ask myself a lot…What I ask God a lot. Where is my peace in this??? Shouldn’t this be a complete lay up of a decision?! What I thought at first was imposter syndrome, self doubt and fear have turned more and more clear into just a simple “no” from the Lord. I think I received that clear no last week at my ministry school class through my church. In a book study of John Bevere’s ‘Driven by Eternity’, he spoke on missing our calling. That many will for called up to the throne of God and be asked to take an account on what they had been called to do. A preacher could be called to judgment seat of God and be asked for the accounts of 175,000 souls in Asia that he was called to. His calling had been to minister in Asia but instead he had planted a mega church in his hometown. “Where are the 175,000 souls that you are accounted for?” That you were called to bring Jesus?.....Missed callings have suddenly become terrifying to me now. But what struck me to my core and gave me my “no” from the Lord was when the example of a woman who had written multiple books, had a big platform for women’s ministry but God asked her, “where are the 4 souls of the children you were called to raise up? Your account, your calling was for them, where are they?”....and I silently cried in that classroom as I felt the Holy Spirit convict me so strongly. I’m away from my kids enough as it is. I’m gone half the weekday evenings and have been traveling at least once a month. My FIRST ministry will always be my family, my children. First and foremost. Have I been living that way though? I don’t think I have really nailed my calling down yet, exactly who I’ve been called to disciple to and what or through what I’ve been called to disciple to but my children HAVE to be my first priority. I pray God leads my path to it. Especially in this transitional season of life that I’m in. Transitional because my heart is changing so drastically every day. I’m not who I was 8 months ago. I’m not who I was 4 months ago. I’m continuously growing and learning at this rapid rate….as this accelerated rate…
I’m not saying I can’t have a calling alongside my foundational calling of raising my 4 children up to love Jesus. And I also don’t think that the preacher or women mentioned in those examples will burn in hell or are wrong. Read the book ‘driven by eternity’ for more context and education on that topic, but while as a believer I will be placed at the judgement seat of God to be judged NOT for my salvation or acceptance into Heaven. Jesus stepped in to wash me clean of my sin. Instead I’ll be judged for what I was called to do and how I did it. I’ll be judged for how well I lived according to Christ. This type of judgement that believers will go through is not for the sake of Heaven or Hell but for where we will be placed in Heaven….and Jesus says the first will be last and the last will be first.
I don’t mean to go off the handle with this regurgitation of knowledge that I’ve been learning in school. But it’s good context for me to one day read back on. To see where I was at this time in my grief and why I was struggling or thinking the way I was. One day I will reread these blogs. I’m not sure when though.
Do I see this blog changing or growing? That’s another thought that I’ve faced many times throughout these months. What the heck do I do with this blog???