3.11.22
I've noticed that I haven't been taking very good care of myself recently. I can't pinpoint when it started but gradually I began to realize that I’m not doing well. At the basics that is. I struggle to get up in the morning, that’s just baseline living now a days but now I’m struggling to brush my hair, wash my hair is even more of a laugh. I usually wear atleast leggings and a sweatshirt to be a mom in but now I find myself in baggy sweats and an old t-shirt or just my pajamas that I didn’t care to change out of. I look around my house and see how much it needs a good cleaning and just the thought is too overwhelming so I avoid it. The kids need so much updating with doctor’s appointments, specialist appointments, adoption paperwork looming over me. These things don’t go away no matter how much I tell myself “tomorrow”. I convince myself that my overwhelming emotions will be gone tomorrow, my grief will be better tomorrow….I’ll just do it tomorrow.
Today was filled with small epiphanies. I may have to finish this thought later, half of my kids are eating crackers at the table with me and their tablets, the other half can’t decide if they want to have a meltdown.
3.12.22
^^^Welp, the family had a complete meltdown and I forgot I was even trying to type out some feelings.
One of those epiphanies. David. Yeah, David in the bible and his story. I told his story that I related with before. How his son with Bathsheba was dying and he spent the night in deep grief but fasting and prayer to the Lord to save his son. His son still died. His servants were too scared to give David the news but when David heard about the passing of his son, he didn’t react like everyone assumed he would. He cleaned himself up and ate a meal. His mindset changed completely into one that I relate with all too well now. The blessed hope was in him and he understood that while God didn’t keep his child on Earth, that one day he would see his son again. While I definitely was not like David the DAY AFTER losing a child, I relate to him now. It still hurts so much, but I’m filled with so much hope and love of the Lord at the same time. In the end of that short story, God blesses David with another son, Solomon who went on to become the blood line leading to Jesus…..God blessed me with a son after losing a child. That realization and comparison doesn’t sit lightly with me. I related to David’s mourning before I even knew Zay would ever exist. I sat in belief that God would bless me with a baby eventually and give me redemption but not in 3 months. He is so good.
3.16.2022
I am EVERYWHERE. Worse than my usual crazy life, I am just pulled in every direction and my mind is everywhere.. I can’t get a second to sit still. I HAVE to be using my time to be present with my kids, planning something, talking with someone, encouraging someone, helping someone…..I am the busiest I’ve ever been yet I look at my daily schedule and am pleased with the help I’m receiving with the kids to allow me to grocery shop or get to doctor appointments and I’m also pleased with the family time we are getting. But I’m still running around like crazy! But guys….. I freaking love it. And I’m so sad I love it. This new self. This new version of me…..I am so bold. I am so fearless in my attempt to put myself out there, to put the Word of God out there. I don’t recognize myself but I continue to grow in this new version of myself. I don’t care what others’ think of me. I mean, because what do I have to lose??? I’ve always lost it all. People’s opinion of me? Psh… it’s so superficial to me now. I’m just in a season that I really couldn’t care less. I know who I am. Whose opinion do I care about? Ok well, God and then my husband. In that order. Only those two. Those two are the only ones to have lived through what I did too. I’m numb but I’m bold. I’m without feeling but I’m feeling it all. My tolerance is through the roof but I’m still fragile. I’m sorry that I’ve done a horrible job at making grief make sense. But it doesn’t.
I would give this all up to still have you. I would live the most mediocre life. Selfishly I would trade not advancing the kingdom if I could have you again. Hold you again, raise you and watch you grow. God could have used someone else to be this bold and motivated for His glory. I would have been just fine resting in the background but holding you Alba. When it comes to you…I don’t care about meeting new people. I don’t care about furthering the gospel. I don’t care about people knowing my story. I’d hide the shadows without anyone knowing who I was if I could just embrace you for the rest of my life. But I’m living a life that is opposite of that. I HAVE to share your name and your life to others. I HAVE to bring people to Jesus. Because i do want to, i so absolutely want to! But also because i refuse to let your death be for nothing. I have to be bold. BECAUSE WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO BE BUT DETRIMENTALLY BROKEN AND DEAD INSIDE???? WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO BE GOD BUT TO BE IN AGREEMENT WITH YOU? I dont have a choice but I have full control of my decision. Does that make sense? I have to choose God but God is my only option. Death will never be in the running to be chosen. Succumbing to satan will never be in my head space to explore.
Sometimes I enjoy being sad. Like drink 2 margaritas and play that one sad song that will wreck me. What’s my sad song? It’s weird but it’s “Hold On” by Chord Overstreet. The chorus wrecks me everytime. The song is gruesome and unrelatable to me NOW, yet back when i struggle with self hatred and rejection from my father and car accident, I can feel it try to pull at those healed wounds. The chorus though…. I feel it pull up deep hurt that I’m growing from yet enjoy suffering through from time to time. “Can you hear me screaming please don’t leave me?” (I think of Kyle holding our dying baby as we watched the life leave her body in that cozy made up room outside of the NICU unit) “Hold On, I still want you. Come back. I still need you.” ( I sobbed and sobbed over Xavier. I wished for time to stop so I could live out the mourning of losing Alba before celebrating the gift that was Xavier. Obviously I’m still doing rough….
But am I? I don’t cry that often anymore. I get teary eyed every single day. Every single day. The desire to breath leaves me every single day. But I don’t sob as often. I don’t break down in torment. I don’t suffer with the pain. I’ve gotten accustomed to the pain. I’ve noticed that while facing loss amongst my friends (their grandparents), I find myself at funerals and I’ve gathered that my tolerance for loss and grief is just simply capped out. While I feel sorrow for their own loss and hurt, I can’t cry. I feel like I’m crying. I feel so sad for them. But my body has been maxed out with grief. When you’ve cried everyday for months over losing a literal piece of yourself, what could possibly rock you in comparison? However, I wish to have that tolerance subside one day. I do wish to cry again over something besides Alba. But right now my tears are only dedicated to Alba. I almost look forward to grieving over someone or something else later on.
Does that sound harsh? I don’t mean it to because let’s be honest, I’ll never stop mourning and grieving over Alba. See…. the music and vomiting out my thoughts has worked, I’m sobbing right now as I type this. It hurts so badly. I wish I didn’t have to live this part of my life out. I hate this so much. WHEN WILL IT END?
I don’t want it to end. I love my life, just not this part of it. I want God to show me why He allowed this. How am I supposed to encourage other grieving mamas if I’m also struggling with the same questions and thoughts and suffering? I’ve worked hard to make myself sob and I’m already wishing it would go away. I can’t have my baby back.
Went for a walk in my neighborhood in this 60 degree weather. Our neighborhood is friendly and social, I love it any other time than when I’m grieving over the loss of my baby. Half the neighborhood knows about Alba, the other half don’t. I think even less know about Xavier and either think I had my baby or are extremely confused. I can’t blame them, I am confused myself. A woman who walks with her daughter and grandson a lot in the summer only live a couple doors down and knew that I was pregnant. 6 weeks after losing Alba, Kyle was on a walk with the girls and she had asked how I was with the new baby….In the middle of his walk with 3 toddlers, Kyle had to swallow his sob and give the short truth of what happened. I’M DREADING that this spring as doors open and friendly faces come out say hi to my social butterflies of children. Absolutely dreading.