4.13.22
April 27th of last year I said a really scary prayer. A prayer that I knew would require a lot of me. A lot of growing, learning, struggling….crushing.
4 months pregnant at the time, I approached the front of the sanctuary at my now home church and kneeled with my friends Katie and Kristi. You see, I had been on fire for Jesus for 2 years at that point but I was stagnant in my growth of growing deep in the spirit. I wanted to be potent. As Jenny Donnelly described her experience and reasoning, I wanted to turn from a grape of a christian to a potent wine. I was ready to be used by the Lord to achieve big things for His kingdom. I wanted to SEE the authority of Jesus Christ be used through me to help others. I was ready to be poured into and then in turn pour into others for Christ. But I had no idea how. Zero idea on how to achieve the vision in my head. Not even vision at that point because I really had no clue what I was dreaming of except I knew that I needed to use my voice to share Jesus and bring freedom and healing to many. So….So. I got down on my knees and spoke to God. God, Make me potent in the spirit. I want to be turned to new wine. I understand the crushing and I can take it. I can handle it! I want whatever it takes in order to get me in the right position to be fiercely fighting in the spirit for myself, my family and those who need you Jesus. Crush me to a pulp, because I know that you will build me up fuller and stronger in the spirit. But as I prayed this. God put the image of Hannah from the bible in 1 Samuel. She had prayed for a child and promised the Lord that if she got a baby, she would completely surrender that baby to Him. And she did. She walked that baby to the temple at 3 years old and dropped him off to the Priest Eli and watched him grow up from afar to become a crazy amazing Prophet. Ok but why was God giving me this visual? I took it to mean that he wanted me to dedicate Alba’s life to him in the same way. Ok, Yes Lord I surrender this baby to you and I will raise her up in the way she should go. Absolutely! God→But what if I ask you to give your baby to me? *confused* Yes Lord, this baby is yours. I definitely thought God was asking me to give up my desire for control in situations and allow myself to trust that God would lead Alba’s paths straight in her life. But I think my spirit knew, because I could not stop crying. My summer flew by with an amazing pregnancy and while I enjoyed my mountain top season, I continued to have the thoughts of Ok God, but when I find myself in the pit again, I promise I will still praise you like I am now, because I know you to be so so good. I promise. I would question if my prayer to make me potent had stuck, because there was zero crushing in my life. But then August hit. 4 months after that risky prayer my crushing began. And we know that story.
4.14.2022
I had my follow up OB appointment today to confirm the results of my HSG test and give me the green light to get pregnant again. I received good news for both accounts, no dehiscence in my uterus (tear) and I’m good to get pregnant in the fall like we would like to. Like to begin trying in the fall anyways.
4.20.2022
^^^Got caught up being a mom for a couple days there. Back to what I was saying.
I knew this would be the news after being told by the doctor who did my test that there wasn't a tear. I was actually looking forward to this appointment for quite some time but for some reason was hesitate again to make the appointment. I think because i always find myself asking my doctor if there is anymore news in the hospital about what happened to Alba. I don’t feel like I need answers to heal and I’ve come to terms spiritually (except on my super bad days) that I really won’t know the full circle of things until I reach Heaven. But, curiosity gets the best of me. My doctor mentioned that while she wasn’t exclusively on the case last fall so she can’t really know the details yet, that the hospitals’ vacuuming policies have become stricter….following a nationwide call for it but conveniently happening right after Alba. In addition, the doctor who delivered Alba has left the practice and hospital for another practice/hospital that can give her a fresh start. She took that situation extremely hard, I know, because I’ve spoken with her on the phone and I’ve shared that on here in the beginning. The processing of all this information took its time. As I continued on with the visit and shared with my doctor everything that I’ve been up to, her jaw dropped. She couldn’t believe how fresh I am into this journey yet already trying to use my loss to help others. Her admiration and kind words were heard, but my mind was foggy from the previous topic we had just moved on from. We happily parted ways and I went to my car. I’m too familiar with the heart leaps in my chest that push my body to cave to the tsunami of grief that plans to touch down soon. But I couldn’t yet. I called Kyle who answered on the first ring because he was anticipating the news. I joyfully shared with him the green light we received to begin trying for another baby in the fall. He mentioned he was in a meeting and couldnt talk long but wanted to answer my call. Ok, not the time to tell him the rest then. I can wait, I thought to myself. As our day trekked along and the kids were going to bed, my heart was slowly depreciating in its energy to remain composed with the reality of the news I received. I shared with Kyle that evening and the realness of what I was saying hit my emotions full force. We fought. Not about anything except for our inabilities to cope AND comfort the other person in this deep wave we were together in. Kyle sat downstairs and I laid in my bed in the dark with Zay in the bassinet next to me. I hadn’t cried or felt that set back in my grief in quite some time. I really dislike those nights when the fresh pain of losing Alba comes back to me. The tears wouldn’t stop flowing and even as I brushed my teeth and washed my face for bed, I couldn’t stop heaving and sobbing. The uncertainty of what I struggled to leave out in the vastness of unknown had all but been confirmed to me in that visit. I decided to say yes to the vacuum. I wanted so badly to avoid a c-section and I felt that Alba was so so close to being out and into the world that I was told this vacuum would surely do it and quickly. 5 hours into pushing and I couldn’t get her out. I said yes to the vacuum. And now the hospital has changed their policies on vacuum because of Alba. Because of my baby that died. Now of course, in the midst of my tragedy, I still must put out the disclaimer that I never received confirmation that this is why Alba came out blue in that OR room. I still don’t know with 100% certainty because the hospital has yet to reach out or give answers. But I think we can all probably connect some dots here come to a similar conclusion.
I felt another piece of me die that night in bed as I grieved over my decision that lead to the loss of my daughter. I quietly gave God’s praise and thanked him for my time with Alba. I acknowledged that his plan is better than my own and I pleaded for comfort. That my blanket of supernatural peace would be laid back over me, after falling off at the hit of this news. I needed Holy spirit to put me to sleep like he would in the beginning. And He did.
Grief is holy work. The tear downs in the night time, dying is more like it. But the death of a piece of you as you grieve and fall asleep at night, to wake up replenished and alive again in the morning. It’s reminds all of Christ’s death for us at the cross to his resurrection on that 3rd morning. He grieves and dies with me as he simultaneously resurrects me and brings me back to life with Him. I’m so thankful that God has my heart in this journey.
I really pray for the doctor that delivered Alba. I feel in my spirit how wrecked she is from this. My heart goes out to her. I hope for redemption in her life and I reallllyyyyy hope for her faith in God. Obviously I don’t know her walk with the Lord. I hope she is in or soon to be in relationship with Him. I love her so much.
Xavier had his first follow-up ultrasound requested by his outpatient neurologist. A reminder, back in the NICU they did two ultrasounds and found “bright spots” each time that lead them to do a MRI and find damage in the left part of his brain. Today we got the results of a normal head ultrasound! Praise the Lord. Of course, this isn’t over. We still have a MRI next month that will give us the heavy hitter info on the little man. However, I am faithful for Zay’s healing. Thank you Lord for healing my son.
I am planning a girls getaway retreat style weekend (that's a mouthful). I want a weekend of fellowship with the Lord in good company of like minded women that also love or want to learn how to love Jesus. This has been a really bold and deep move in my walk of being obedient to God. Phew, I just….am not who I used to be anymore. I mean, would you want to be the same after something like this? I refuse to be. Use me God. You only need my yes.
This season of life is busy. This time last year I felt so lost in my identity of who I was outside of a mom. Now, things are different. I’m writing this blog, I’m meeting different women every week over coffee or dinner, I’m in the school of ministry at my church, I’m going on trips somehow, I’m in a 10 week coaching program, I did a podcast interview, I’m half leading a mom of littles group (it’s been a rough season of sickness in these kids), I’m hosting this woman's getaway….and I’m still a mom to now 4 babes….I’m on heavenly time. I share this more to look on for myself. I still barely remember memories from just a month or two ago. I’m still in grieving mode too.