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  • Writer's pictureGabriela Horr

2.8.2022 - 2.16.2022

2.8.2022


I STILL sit here in awe that I am able to have such a beautiful baby boy sleep on my chest tonight while also grieving the loss of my beautiful baby girl.


I’ve gotten to the point that I need to send Kyle audio messages of my random thoughts in the car to best hold on to deep thoughts and emotions in the rare moments that I am alone in a car.


2.14.2022


^^^I really have not had a second to sit down and type. That’s a lie, I have had some seconds, but i choose to do different things, like order my online groceries, mindlessly sit on TikTok for the brief second that none of my 4 kids need me. Ive been reading actually too. Grief has moved me out of baking/cooking like crazy. That was weird huh. Kyle is bummed to see that weird grief phase pass and really me too. I learned to make some bomb cinnamon rolls by scratch! Haha grief man….everyday is so so different and beyond any sort of understanding. Also each individual day is only but a glimpse of what I’m actually like in the fullness of my grief. Which leads me into a great lengthy thought that I spewed out to Kyle via audio message the other day. Hang in there while i attempt to turn that into readable material.


You know how its said that everyone should have to spend some time as a server in a restaurant or in retail therapy, that way there would be no more Karens in the world because everyone would get the struggle. I wish this for grief but. BUT… I don’t wish everyone experienced a reason to grief….i wish everyone could take some sort of grief training. Some 101 basics into how to handle the grieving. Because I have had to deal with some ROUGH situations where I feel could have been better handled had there been more education/knowledge/experience on how to handle someone grieving. I think I could definitely share some do/don’ts. But where do I start?


Things to do:

-Offer your help, yes. But offer your EAR. More times than not, someone in grief wont really want to share a whole lot but when they do, be an ear. Not a mouth.

-Bring them food/coffee. Food really is so so helpful.

-Continue to reach out. I still have one of my nurses from my post-Parton floor messaging me with encouraging love. I love her so much and am so grateful for her.

-Show grace! Depending on the day, you wont know what to expect from the grieving. Almost like a toddler with our emotions, we can’t control them like we could before. Remember that grief is long and hard but only a season. We are not the normal version of ourselves nor are we the glimpse of a hard day you witnessed from us.



Ugh, things not do:

-do NOT. I repeat, do NOT tell them that their grief isn’t worse than anyone else’s. Yooo….It’s one of those rules where you’re like “omg why does that even need to be said?!” Welp, because it happened and now here we are having to make sure everyone else knows not to bring your baby into a nightclub, its that ridiculous. It shouldn’t have to be said...but it does just in case.

^also because the comment is HEARTLESS and full of PRIDE. How obvious of a statement yet they still said it and now how hurtful to the grieving to be basically told that “yeah you’re hurting...only 5 months into hurting, but others are too so please stop thinking its only you and that you have it worse than anyone else in grief.” —>really only someone who isn’t grieving or definitely never has, would say this. Let’s grow from it together though so that no one else ever has to experience that abuse while in deep grief.

-phew, is there more? Sadly yes. Don’t ask me if I’m ok. There is a difference between “how you are doing?” Vs. straight up “are you ok???”. My closest friends ask me this and then I pour out whatever is on my mind but if you aren’t in that circle, don’t ask. Depending on my mood Ill either blow you up with a superficial “yeah” or ill be brutally honest and now the entire mood is shifted into sadness and no one bounces back.


^^man that really hits home to a whole other topic of meeting new people. “Tell me a little bit about yourself” hits really different when the only thing you can really share about yourself is the tremendous grief and joy you are experiencing in this season of life. I’m not exactly a “light and airy” person right now for small talk.


This is a hard read. Before grief, Ive definitely found myself as one of those people described above in the not to do category. Now being on the other side of handling grief, I wish everyone could have some basics understood. I pour this out in hopes to prevent hurt….church hurt especially... being distributed so carelessly onto the grieving. We. Are. Not. Our. Normal. Selves. Right now. Stop treating us like we turned sour for zero reason. Most of the time were struggling to breath at baseline. Holding back the strong desire to make a sobbing noise in the middle of Kroger because grief likes to be vocal and spontaneous.


I talk almost as though I’m friends with grief. Far from it. So far from it. I’m held hostage in a season with grief that I know needs to be experienced in order to grow, develop and accomplish missions in the future for myself. While I’m stuck in its chamber though, Ill expose everything about grief that I possibly can for those currently going through grief or had/will.


No more Karens dealing with grief! —>I find that really annoyingly funny to say.


I think of grief as someone drowning. What do they say about saving someone who is drowning? Leave it to the professional. If a random citizen without zero knowledge in life guarding goes to try and save a person drowning, they are met with a frantic individual fighting for their life so in a desperate attempt to save themselves they actually pull down the person trying to help. The result is that now 2 people are drowning. I think of grief this way because how desperate we are to survive this horrible season. If someone tries to come in with “wisdom” without zero knowledge in grief, they may find themselves attacked by the grieved. Personally, you can give me the shittiest piece of advice, warning, wisdom but if it has to do with Alba...its on sight. I will stand up for myself. Is that harsh? Is that prideful? Again, yo! I am not my normal self. I’m out here drowning while everyone else breaths perfectly fine around me. You try to come out and “help” without a pure heart, I’m throwing hands and now were both struggling. No one wins. But…..I’d rather experience it myself than anyone else who may not be able to handle it. Ive always thought that way. “Better me than anyone else” in this sadistic mentality that at least I stand up for myself so that hopefully no one else goes through what i have to.


I do believe I’m built different when it comes to grief. Ive met many grieving individuals at this point (weirdly) and Ive only met one other woman who astonished me with her strength, Danielle Smith. Now before Karens get to thinking that I’m better than anyone else, i think everyone grieving is strong AF. Grief man...its a different level. A level we aren’t forever in but a level that makes every single person dealing with it stronger. You do not come out of a season of grief weaker. I have such a different respect for someone going through grief now having experienced it myself.


But in a “I’m gunna need to say it” fashion….losing a child in the worst thing a parent can go through. Loss of a child can look like soooo many different situations, they all suck the same and my heart seriously hurts for anyone having to deal with this.



2.16.2022


What an unload of many different emotions and thoughts above. I read back while I’m typing now and I struggle to not erase the entire segment. But who does that help? The Holy Spirit keeps me strict on sharing raw emotion through this grief. Oy.


Random thoughts I emotionally struggle with while pretending to breathe and look normal to anyone who may be watching me sit in public aimlessly…:


If Alba still had to be gone but I was given the choice by God to see another reality of what she would be like had she stayed….would i take it? I made the mistake of asking Kyle this in a bout of word vomit and as he sobbed to me in the car, he said no. And i agree. I don’t think I could stand to know, good or bad, I would much rather have this beautiful imagination in my head of what my Alba would have been like. A perectly sweet child,, beautiful beyond measure once she shed the the hairy arms she got from her mama. Sassy like me but super logical and smart like her dad. Athletic like her dad. Alba would have straight A’s throughout her entire education and be an amazing athlete, D1 athlete actually and while we would rotate having to attend all of our kids D1 sports in college, we would love watching her drive on the field/court. She always made the winning goal. She adored her dad and always came to me for advice. She waited to date until college and actually ended up marrying the first guy she dated, who ended up being amazing. Alba would have danced with her dad while he cried in the center of the dance floor to how beautiful his daughter was as he gave her away to her husband. We would have applauded loudly as she gave her valid Victorian speech as she graduated high school and then college. She would go away to live in a new city at some point to experience life but then would settle back home to be near family. To be near Kyle and i. Alba would have asked me to help her with her kids like Ive had my mom help me with mine. She would eye roll my mom (her grandma) as her old age made her filled with unsolicited baby advice but she enjoyed the help and family presence like i do with my kids today. Alba would have been a golden child. And while I acknowledge the fantasy that is and the unrealistic view, I’d rather have that in this current phase of grief than the reality of anything different. She’s gone….I have the “luxury” to make up stuff.


Physical therapy and actual couples therapy is fine i guess. My chronic back pain is disheartening. I’m in complete denial of my uterus’ health. I should focus on it….but I don’t. My physical therapist thinks my body is holding onto my grief. I can’t say she is wrong. I was ordered to begin massaging my c-section site with lotion and actually touching my scar. The first night was ROUGH. I was visibly shaken and triggered while I rubbed over the scene of my trauma. I quickly realized just how right my PT was. I cried hard those first couple nights of massaging my abdomen. Kyle felt so bad for me that he scratched my back until i fell asleep. Ive quickly progressed into no longer crying but definitely not enjoying it. Maybe i should milk the back scratches though and squeeze out a tear for Kyle...I can still be funny in grief.



Actual therapy is going fine. Like i said, fine. I think its more for Kyle than myself. But maybe i need to change my mindset. Maybe its more for US than for just me. Yeah...i need to change my heart on that. Even if therapy was just for HIM…. He wont go without me. I need to be there, i need to be present, i need to be open to growth, healing and the experience of therapy for him and us...and me too.



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