3.7.2022 - 3.8.2022

3.7.2022

I stood with one foot out in the aisle and one foot planted back by the safety of my seat. “I will never force you to follow your convictions. I love you. Go ahead and sit in my presence and worship me from right where you are. But if you don’t, then I’ll ask someone who will.”

The fear of the Lord is still sitting heavy on my life. God asks me for small tasks of leadership, volunteering, patience, boldness or to simply worship and I have been working hard to build that trust and obey Him. There have been quite a few tasks that have had me pacing the halls, walking in and out of my church sanctuary, or pepping myself up in the mirror before I actually follow through. To me, this is not simply a desire grow in ministry but a command. A requirement. A NEED. Not in a negative way at all, but I NEED to listen to God. I need to be bold. I need to grow. Alba’s purpose and mission is still playing out on this Earth through me. I know every mom understands the weight of following through for your child.

I think this is the longest I’ve gone without typing since losing Alba.

Ive just been busy. *sigh* Have I? The Lord likes to gently remind me that he makes my life busy with the many many blessings i have. That if I don’t stay committed to him and obedient to him, i could easily find myself….without so many blessings that keep me busy. *heavier sigh*. I need to be better. Time goes on and I guess i grow complacent with the assignment God has put on me through this blog. I get lazy, I get tired of sharing, I get swept up in too much having happened in my life to want to hash over in this blog.

3.8.2022

So i had a women’s conference on Friday at my home church (Oakland Church). I had been to 2 events put on by this specific ministry, both times being pregnant so this was my first experience in a setting like that after losing Alba. I was expectant for 2 specific woman to be there. I had heard both of their testimonies twice at that point, not at all relating to him in the happy season of life that I was in back in 2021. One woman had lost her baby at full term, just like me. I dreaded her story to be shared and it hit so brutally as she stepped forward on the stage and poured her heart out. She is 4 years ahead of me in the healing process. I hope to be like her one day. The other woman had also experienced child loss through a very late miscarriage and then the loss of her 15 year old son. Her wisdom on chasing the Lord through grief, as well as facts and logical advice (she was a psychologist) was extremely helpful and encouraging. I spoke with both of them after day 1, a blubbery mess as I was overwhelmed in the moment to stand by two women who I looked up to in such a sad devastating way. I got a lot out of their encouragement though.

This conference gave me many moments with the Lord. I’m not sure why but God loves to give me my visions at these events. He is always so gentle, kind and loving. I stood at a cross, hands holding tightly to it and praying for what God wanted to tell me in the moment. Peace filled my heart and I was lifted up in his presence and felt his joy. “I don’t want to leave our presence God, its calming.” I said to him but God joyfully spoke back to me, “Go! Go! Go grow in your faith. Grow in your leadership. Grow in the youth!” The youth? I thought to myself but opened my eyes and let go of the cross as he insisted. I walked myself to the next step of our activity and found myself in front of a child maybe 12 years old. She grabbed my hands and prayed over me and began prophesying. “God wants you to know that the past is already taken care of and he wants you to focus on what he has for you now. I see you on the stage influencing many youth with your story.”......Ah, the youth I thought to myself with a joyful chuckle. How invigorating when the Lord reveals his words to you almost immediately am I right?? Day 1 ended and what was suppposed to be an extra full house at my place for the night with women coming in from out of town for this conference ended up being only one other woman who I had known since high school. The spiritual high you feel after being in deep worship and praise for the Lord is amazing! We got home and just spoke with one another for hours until we caved to the realization that our next day at the conference was quickly approaching. How have i managed to find myself amongst so many other grieving mamas? The word spoken over us at one point on day 2 was to reap where you sow. Pray for others what you yourself would want to be prayed over for. If you’re struggling with anger, pray over someone who is also dealing with anger. I found that statement so simple yet so profound as Ive never thought of praying over someone else like that….for myself. We ended the morning sessions with a call to the grieving moms and I THREW myself to the front and just laid myself out for God. I sobbed and sobbed over losing Alba and surrendered my hard emotions to God to take care of. He walked me through her entire life again….the most painful route of healing that I dread taking yet he brings me to those thoughts a lot. “This is brutal, I much prefer when I’m not crying and grieving like this God.” “Your healing is through moments like this. This wont be your last time here face down and crying like this. I will bring you back to this many more times before you have reached a place of healing.” Oh good….super great….love that for me I thought as I continued to cry over the flashes of Alba’s life I would never be able to experience in this life. Kyle dancing with her at her wedding. Alba having children and having me help her raise them. Alba graduating high school. Alba growing into a beautiful young woman with dark hair and beautiful features. My relationship with Alba that would consist of only sorrow and loss until I meet her again in Heaven. Things were blurry but someone came and prayed against disappointment over me. Boy do i still need to work on that. After some time, I again refused to leave God’s presence in that hard moment. He gently spoke back “Go, I need you disciple others and pray over others.” Yeah…..but I’d very much like to just focus on myself, thanks though….. I got up against my will. A puddle of tears had formed under me and as I wiped my messy face and looked around at my surroundings, I saw all of my friends who had come with me to this conference sitting by me with hands on me. *cue more tears*. I looked behind me to see a friend of mine dealing with similar child loss directly at my backside. “Reap where you want to sow.” Came to my mind and i remembered God’s request to pray. I stood in my own grief but chose to love through it instead of wallow. I can easily pray for this woman, this friend. Shoot I know exactly what to pray for because I’m praying for it for myself at all times! God is so good. His love is so good. His comfort is so good. I hope I grow better at displaying his love to others who need it.

Obedience and fear of the Lord are weighing heavy still like I mentioned above. Workin on that.

Am i putting myself into too many projects? I have currently in the school of ministry through my church, a 2 year program. I’m trying to attend bible studies throughout the week, I’m a main leader at my mom of littles group, I’m typing this blog as best as i can, I’m desiring to get rooted in a ministry that i really admire and feel could help me…. Patience is a key word i remind myself. I’m in the middle of a refining season. As the main speaker of that women’s conference put it, I’m in a season of allowing the enemy to turn me into powder, through the crushing of losing Alba. As I’m getting beat down more into a refined powder, God is going to actually turn me into ammunition from the powder and transform me in a potent weapon against the enemy, to help other grieving mamas. To help others in general. Diamonds are formed via heavy pressure right?

Joseph sat in a prison cell for 2 years before coming out of the darkness and into a place of leadership and influence. The amount of character building that must have taken place. His previous character, prideful and arrogant and naive (I mean who brags about a dream of ruling over his older brothers….to his brothers HA.) The selling off as a slave by his own brothers, the false accusation of rape, the prison cell and then being forgotten in the cell for 2 years….the amount of time God allowed the enemy to crumple up into dust powder. Would Joseph had saved Egypt (and actually the full blood line of Israel) had he not had that refining season? You can’t experience all that hardship and come out the exact same person. He grew from that and miraculously grew closer to God from that. By the time Joseph came out on top and was confronted by his brothers, he chose love and fellowship with them, bringing them into Egypt and saving the very bloodline that leads to our Savior. WOW.

Random grief thoughts I’ve had:

• Do people get sick of my grief? Probably. I do.

• I hope I dream of Alba some day.

• Healing is like an onion. Many layers to it. Have i peeled even one layer yet though?

• Do i have the strength to help others? Sometimes i think no. A lot of times i think sure. Yes just sure.