10.4.21
I wish I could better articulate my feelings onto paper in a way that really pulled the audience into my world. In a way that made you feel like you were walking alongside me in this journey, feeling the same hard emotions and going through the same steps of grief. However, I was never a good writer. Many times teachers and professors would leave notes on my essays saying, ‘written weirdly’ or ‘could be phrased differently’.... Kyle wrote my papers for my last writing class in college. I’ve never been able to eloquently express what’s racing through my head that actually resonated well with the reader. Which is why when the Holy Spirit put it on my heart to write what I’m currently going through, I was confused. I didn’t want to take the time to sit in these feelings of immense loss and hurt and figure out how to put them to paper when I’m barely enduring the waves of grief as is. So I told God no I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand the thought of ringing out my heart for more hurt by choosing to relive my agonizing thoughts towards losing Alba. After much persistence from the Lord, I’m stuck in a spot of being obedient rather than passionate to express to the world what I’m experiencing.
Don’t get me wrong, the moments of peace do come and they come upon me like sleep after a long day—quick and restful, but fleeting. Seeking God through this hardship is like seeking my next fix for that relief that gives me indescribable peace and grace from the heartache. I still cry in his presence, I still weep at what I’ve lost in those soothing moments He gives me, but there is always hope in what's to come. I carry immense hope in God’s promises and faithfulness and maybe that’s what I’m meant to communicate through this journey of sharing with you my open heart in this loss. The words may not come in the best thought out manner. My attempts at describing how I’m feeling may not be fluent but you’re reading this in the present time of how I’m experiencing it. The loss of my Alba. The loss of someone so perfectly a mix of me and Kyle. The loss of someone my body aches to be nurturing after spending 9 months growing in my belly. I’m a mother who has lost a child and that’s both surreal and excruciating to face right now. My heart is heavy and the tears are consistent but my hope is relentless. In Him all things are made new.