12.8.21
My day was an unexpected rollercoaster. I only just sat down to get my nails done when I received a phone call from my foster licensing worker. A couple weeks ago I had been told by my caseworker that CPS had reported that my 2 youngest’ mother had another baby. I was stunned to think about what this could mean for us. Obviously each baby is a unique case but the reality of what could happen is real. Today I recieved the call that CPS was in fact moving forward with a removal with this baby boy and asked me to confirm if we would like to be this child’s placement. We were told that we could even go meet and see this baby. As i quickly left the nail salon and called my family for babysitters, Kyle to figure work out, i had a moment of clarity from my past experiences with foster care. This has happened before with my youngest Sofi in 2020. We were told to go to the hospital and then told never mind due to the NICU needing signed documentation by the judge that the child as removed and going to us specifically. My heart sank but i still carried hope because my workers had acknowledged the mistake on thei end in 2020. They called us too soon back then and had apologized. There was no way they were calling me too early again, right? They had to have done their report and presented it to the judge already ….right?! Sigh….. i called the NICU myself and spoke with the supervisor before commiting to the drive. Sure enough they didn’t have any paperwork and needed it for me to come. I hounded my caseworker and finally spelled ou to her what had happened to me in 2020 and how it was happening now. She didn’t realize that th NICU needed so much official documentation. I’m not sure how they don’t know this by now, even outside of my own situation but i assume they deal with NICUs more than just through my cases. Needless to say, I was angry. But anger is a secondary emotion. The root emotion i felt was despair. Of course my licensing worker, or CPS don’t know about my loss, but the roller coaster they put me through had wrecked me. I went through the mental prep to walk into a NICU 3 months after leaving one without my baby, only to have it taken away. No in a dramatic sense that i think i wont ever happen. Were getting placed with this baby and soon, just not today even though i was told today and that is what pulled my heart apart. I’m tired of disappointment and ready for redemption.
12.9.21
This baby has been born a month and I haven’t met them. It makes me sad. It make me nervous. I feel grief. I feel joy.
12.13.2021
Joy and grief are at odds in my heart. I imagine myself holding hands with both emotions as i walk down railroad tracks. Joy pulls at me hard in many moments and while grief is still hanging on, i barely feel his hand in mine as I’m embraced by joy. But some days grief is winning the daily tug o’ war over my heart and I’m pulled close to the harshness grief has to offer while barely able to feel the comfort of joy still clinging onto my other hand. Some days i picture being on these railroad tracks, being pulled so equally by joy and grief that a train comes and just takes me out. Grief and joy shrug it off and I’m left on the tracks, feeling absolutely nothing at all. They wait for me to get back up and I’m quickly fought over again. I can’t tell which feeling is the bad guy and which one is the good because in the end I’m still held in the middle and hit by the train.