11.5.21
I’m not sure what it is that’s making me inconsolable tonight. Outside of the obvious, it seems that at least once a week that I just turn into nothing but tears and sobs. My kids see it, feel it and I can tell they come off worried. That pains me. I don’t want to instill any trauma onto them by having them see their mom like this. I still smile at them, I still cook their dinner and sit with them during quiet time before bed. I’m just transparent with them that I’m sad but I’m ok as their mama at the same time and I don’t know if that’s how I should be handling it or not. Guilt sweeps in as I don’t know if I’m doing this right as a parent. I don’t believe they shouldn’t ever see me sad but I also don’t believe they need to see me at my darkest moments when I’m face down in my closet crying.
I can tell it was going to be one of those nights when the tears came before the hard thoughts. I’m crying before I even realize what I’m thinking about. Alba’s hair, her sleepy face, what she would feel like as I held her.
Sheer panic smacked me in the face as I was asked to hold not one but two newbie babies at my mom group this week. Let me give this disclaimer AGAIN, I am so so happy for new mamas and this happy exciting season of their lives. I’m just so sad for myself, if that makes any sense at all. I want to meet the new babies of my closest friends (I had about 5 friends who were all due about a month max from me). I’m cheering everyone else on but just crying over my own loss. I don’t believe in casting out others’ happiness just because I’m sad. That would be so selfish. However, I held onto these two different babies on Wednesday and I physically felt the knife go through my heart as I allowed myself to imagine what Alba would feel like in my arms. She would have been their size and while I didn’t emotionally struggle with holding them (I love holding babies!) I did struggle with my grief of wishing I could be holding my Alba. Again, I know from the outside looking in it’s hard to picture that I’m ok with being around babies right now but weirdly I am in an “I’m not ok but I am” kind of place.
Tonight is a night where I cave to my anxiety medication. I despise taking it. I feel like I lost the daily battle against Satan when I do (dramatic I know). But God’s supernatural peace covers me everyday so when the random days that his umbrella moves from over me, I feel so lost on how to get through the night besides to sleep. Maybe that’s what he’s hoping I do when this happens, the Lord knows I don’t sleep much anymore. Or eat. I’ve lost 35 lbs. Since having Alba. Don't get me wrong, french fries are still french fries and cookies are still delicious cookies, they are all being eaten! But the consistent meals aren’t happening. 4pm comes around and I realize I’ve only drank two coffees to help me parent due to the lack of sleep I get. It’s not healthy but at least I’m aware of it. I make myself eat dinner with the kids to help keep normalcy. I make myself eat breakfast when Kyle works from home so he doesn’t badger me about what I’ve eaten today. I know I sound harsh, probably bitter and most definitely in need of help. I’m getting help, therapy starts next week (finally). Thank you to everyone who sent me therapists so that I didn’t need to do the research myself….. I really am useless in a lot of ways these days. Not enough though to not call pest control because a chipmunk has made a home in the siding of my house by my kitchen sink. That’s where I draw the line on responsibilities I’m willing to take on I guess. Go me.
These posts are the most authentic as I’m experiencing the grief in real time compared to my softer days where I’m more composed in how I’m suffering. Grief is scattered brained and messy and scary to the outsider but normal to the one going through it after some time. I don't write to scare or worry. I write to cope, to get these hard feelings out in hopes that after dumping them into this blog that the supernatural peace will return and I can go to sleep. I pray I go to sleep tonight.
-Is this my life now? Back to being so freaking sad over my life again? This is a different sad but the same despair for my life. God delivered me once, He will do it again. But when?
-I don’t feel like grieving tonight. Can these uncontrollable tears come back another time please?
11.8.21
I read back what I wrote on the hard night and I am appalled. That’s not who I am, I’m doing so much better than that! I’d be worried about reading that from someone else! I don’t feel like that right now….but it's scary and saddening that there are times that I do feel that way. Scary and sad in a way that I worry I’ll always be sad. However, I know God is faithful and I love my life. Is it weird to love my life and know God is faithful as well as wish things were different?
There are moments in my life where I sit here and think, “this can’t be real.” In both good and bad moments, I think of how crazy my testimony is. The things God has done in my life are what you would see in a hallmark movie. I can’t make up half the things that have happened in my life and I sit here today and think of what God has done for me and I’m shocked. He has really done some crazy things in my life. I think He has something big for me coming, I know He does. But am I ready for it? How do I prepare my heart for what God has in store for me in this season? What if I said no to what God had for me? I always find that big decisions in my life always have a domino effect on others’ lives. Monumental effects take place based on if I say yes or no to God. But why would God play this season out for me in the way He has? I’m confused yet trying to be obedient to what He has for me. It’s complicated.
11.9.21
Nani’s termination trial was today. Kyle and I went in without really knowing what to expect. We were both subpoenaed to testify which was alarming and so different from our other case with Cami and Sofi where we weren’t involved at all. Foster Care and the court system can be best described as “hurry hurry….now wait.” We sat around for our turn to go in front of the judge for an hour and a half and then spent only 1 hour in front of the judge. This trial was set to go on for 3 days!!!! I was the only one to testify between Kyle and me and while it was intimidating, it wasn’t hard. We are hoping to hear the judge’s opinion within the next 2 weeks, I’m telling myself by Thanksgiving. If the judge decides to terminate parental rights, we would then move forward with petitioning to adopt, however, any competing party can come in and attempt to adopt. We hope it’s smooth sailing.
With everything going on, today was emotionally exhausting. Not even in a bad way, the termination trial was relieving to finally have happened and we’re hopeful to finally give Nani permanency for her life. But at baseline nowadays, my emotions are deep and always running so any additional feeling just feels like 50lb weights being added to my heart.
11.10.21
A Story of Redemption:
^^^That’s how I hope to begin my testimony one day. A story that glorifies God to the fullest extent. A story that so blatantly reveals God’s hand in my life and how he brought me out of a grave of grief and into His light. I’m so hopeful for His redeeming love to show through this darkness. I hope to be able to share what God has done for me in the darkest time of my life.
He gets the glory from this because right now….. today…. God did something crazy. CRAZY. Unbelievable. He gave me the ultimate plot twist to my already unpredictable life. Once I can share it, you will see the goodness of God immediately, as well as an explanation to even deeper emotions I’ve now begun to experience as I walk back into a season of joy while also continuing to hold hands with grief. My feet are in both states, huge joy and utter sadness. How can that be? This unique situation that I’m predicting to be in soon has me identifying with both extreme feelings. Grief has taught me that not everything is black and white but most of the time, quite gray. A mix of two opposites and a blend of everything at the same time. I can be so overfilled with joy yet drowning in tears over my loss. I can be excited for what’s to come and dread this next chapter of my life. I can look forward to what’s ahead yet dig my heels in the ground in hopes to stop what’s inevitably coming my way. I want what’s next yet I wish I could wait. I want this huge happiness but I also have gotten comfortable in having something to be sad about.