11.11.21
——-
11.16.21
I haven’t been writing much as you can see above. I dated it, but left my iPad for days because I didn’t want to address my emotions. Ill think deeply of how I’m feeling but the moments are fleeting and I’m never around my iPad to get it all down. Once I’m by something I can type on, I don’t want to rehash the depth of emotions I had earlier in the day...and then the cycle just continues. Now I sit here and I know I have a lot to say but I’m not sure where to start.
Last week Nani had her termination trial. What was supposed to be a 3 day trial was done completely in 1. It’s hard to hear everything the past 2.5 years has been like as the caseworker addresses everything on the stand. However, its worse knowing mom couldn’t even bother to attend the trial. Nani deserves permanency and I’m hopeful to receive a decision from the judge within a week or two. I’m all over the place with emotions when it comes to my kiddo’s cases. That term trial day last week really took it out of me emotionally which was unexpected. I’m used to these court dates, the family team meetings where we just go over everything going on in the case. I guess my emotions are just capped out these days.
Sofi and Cami were supposed to have an adoption court hearing last Monday which didn’t happen. Now it is rescheduled to sometime in January… will these kids ever be adopted? No seriously, we sit here day after day with normalcy in our routines, I’m their mom and they are my babies but just without the official title or documentation. This helps in these moments of endless waiting but I still want my babies to have permanency….to share my name. I’m also pretty over the monthly home visits in this current season of life I’m in.
On top of everything else going on last week, we found out some interesting news that I so desperately wish I could share but will have to write emotions on another word doc for right now until I am able to tell this news to the world. I’m not sure what to think but I know I’m a mix of joy, grief and a lot of confusion.
So back to my emotions…. Is my heart slowly hardening to tears? It takes A LOT for me to cry now. My body feels like its crying, I feel like I’m sad enough to be crying but they never come. Alba hurts to talk about, it hurts me that just saying her name hurts me. I wonder what she would look like right now. I wonder what our fall would be looking like right now instead of keeping busy with soccer, gymnastics and bible studies.
11.17.21
Lifting weights and going to an actual gym for the first time in 11 months was therapeutic. It forced me to acknowledge my body and directly face what my body went through and the healing it still needs. You see, emotionally I’m a mess..obviously...duh, but physically, somehow, i forgot how much I went through. I'm so focused on surviving emotionally every day that the reality of how broken my body is smacked me in the face when I tried to do dead bugs and my body shaked and struggled. It forced me to remember the trauma I went through. The two hospital stays. The taste in my mouth that tastes like metal when I was so focused on not passing out from pain. The despair paired with physical disability. The most hurtful part for me is knowing my body went through the ringer and for nothing. There is no prize for me that comes from birthing your baby. I went through all of this and still lost. I face what I lost every time I have to focus on healing my body by working out.
11.19.21
So the tears still come hard. I’m not sure why I worry about crying too little or too much. 2 days ago I cried and cried and cried some more. I actually went for a walk at 10pm alone without my phone for a couple miles. The anonymity that the darkness brings as I just walked alone throughout my neighborhood and down random roads was actually therapeutic. I cried, I stopped crying, I overthought and cried some more. But it was relieving as much as it was hard. I hated feeling lost in my hurt but I knew it had to happen in order for me to move one step closer to healing. I came home, snuggled a toddler for a few before putting them back in their own bed and I slept well that night. Grief has me feeling slightly bipolar. I’d probably describe my marriage as slightly bipolar right now too. Not in an alarming detrimental way. Kyle and I are solid, our marriage is strong and were happy together BUT…..were also grieving together the worst loss of our lives and that kinda puts this big dagger in the middle of our relationship that neither one of us put there. I hope that makes sense. Were dealing with this huge hurt in our marriage that neither one of us caused, neither one of us is mad or betrayed or struggling with the other but were both hurting so much individually that im slowly seeing it pour into random aspects of our relationship. Like small bickering or fights are now more prone to become blow up fights because our hearts are so fragile. However I will say that we do a great job at being self aware. We can both call it out for what it is even if its afterwards or directly in the middle, not yet before things escalate but I know eventually we will. I still can’t imagine going through this with anyone else. Kyle’s my rock, the best team mate I could ever imagine.
I do wish grief could be a linear process. One hard night and I could know that things can only go up from here. But it doesn’t, things get better for a couple days then worse again without any pattern to it.
Hard thoughts that I’ve held back on here but am reminding myself now that I need to be fully authentic:
I feel my life is just some sick and twisted game to God right now. To allow my baby to be taken from me and now taunting me with the potential to take in another baby. His plan feels mean and malicious at this point and as I continue to sit here in complete surrender of my life and full faith that He knows what he’s doing (that’s really my only option at this point), I can’t help but wonder what I’ve done to have received this hand dealt to me.
I dont want to survive this. And NOT in a suicidal, i dont want to be here anymore kind of way. But i mean, I dont want to HAVE to survive through this. You know what I mean? I sit here in my pain and im crawling through and barely making it through the day and just wishing I didn’t have to be a survivor of a loss like this. Why can’t i just live without having to have survived through something like this?
If you question why I’m doing something a certain way out of my grief and coping, I will question you on what you did when you unexpectedly lost your newborn baby. You didn’t? Oh well stfu then. ←-- that’s anger. I know and it should be replaced with grace….but it wont be. Atleast I’m self aware...