10.6.21-10.11.21

10.6.2021

I’ve had a welcoming relief of peace this morning. These moments are hard to explain because I still know the pain is there but there is a supernatural mask over fully feeling them.

10.7.2021

I haven’t cried in 2 days. I’m not sure whether to feel good about that or sad. To be fair, I felt peaceful yesterday morning but after nap time I dealt with suffocating anxiety and cancelled my plans to go to a bible study. My grief comes in random waves that I wish I could control or atleast foresee when the rough times were going to hit but I sit here unprepared every time the slam of hurt hits.

This morning was different. I woke up with peace again but this time with motivation as well. I scheduled both caseworkers to come to the house for our monthly home visit today so maybe that’s what pushed me to actually deep clean the kitchen and vacuum the crumbs off the living room carpet. I’ve been working on showing myself as much grace as possible as a mom. Something I really struggled with before this loss. I give myself one chore to do (which is usually just a load of laundry) and then sit with the girls. If I know a meal train is coming by, I close my windows. I probably ignore 99% of text messages and phone calls. I planned for all my kids to be gone this weekend so I can solely keep myself going instead of others as well. My kids are my therapy, my entire reason right now but I choke down so much during the week in order to be who they need me to be as their mama.

I guess something super big that happened while I was in the hospital is that Cami and Sofi have been terminated. This means their mom’s rights as a parent have been terminated and they are now up for adoption. We have our petition for adoption court hearing in November and then begins the mountain of paperwork before we can have it official. It’s still going to be a minute. Nani is having her termination trial in November. Foster care is a rollercoaster so I’m not even going to say how I think it will go. Ideally we're getting closer to the finish line for adoptions for all 3 next year.

10.9.21

Sitting in a coffee shop in Grand Rapids. The coffee shop I used to come down to from my old apartment upstairs when Kyle and I first got married. We found ourselves kid free for a night and made the last minute decision to drive to Grand Rapids for some reminiscing. The nostalgia hit heavy when we pulled into Grand Valley and only swelled up more and more as we walked through campus and excitedly shared old memories with each other (as if we weren’t in every memory together). Kyle and I met at Grand Valley in 2010 when we were 18 and It felt like a time portal coming back to a place that I left when I was a completely different person. A very different person. A person who didn’t have identity through Christ but through their significant other. How unhealthy. Yet I stroll through the familiar territory of old classrooms and study halls and feel so grateful for the redemption that God has done in my life. From broken and dealing with rejection and self hatred to living in Jesus’s light is something to be shared and flaunted for His glory. I’m a walking example of the 180 God can do in someone’s life. Thank you Jesus. As for our grief (because that’s the point of this right?), Kyle and I were one of the happiest we have been in a long time as we walked through GV. We both sat back in the car and almost forgot the life we were currently living through as we went back in time to our old one. It was refreshing and relieving.

10.11.21

It’s been one month since my Alba was born. I’m being extremely transparent and vulnerable when I share that the day she was born will always be a huge mix of the happiest and saddest day of my life. How can that be? I’m hoping over time the 50/50 of those opposite feelings will turn more into only happy than sad. I’m happy she was able to see earth side even if for a short time. I’m devastated by what we both went through and the heartache of losing her.

I haven’t cried in a number of days now. I take that back -- I’ve cried but not hysterically. The anxiety is beginning to take the place of the tears though. I learned a lot about myself in the dragging month. I’m not a medication person. I don’t like the idea of being in such a dark pit and then relying on anxiety medication or pain medication. Unfortunately I need both right now but it’s mostly given to me by Kyle after lots of persisting. I wish I could better explain the road block I have as to why I’m so hesitant to take either. Sometimes I think I just want to feel absolutely everything as some sort of punishment for the guilt I carry that I couldn’t deliver her naturally or fast enough to help her. I’m done typing about feelings now.

As for my health, I had a follow up last Friday and my OB doesn’t think I have a tear in my uterus or else I’d still be in huge amounts of pain. Our biggest worry is making sure my uterus is healing completely and doesn’t have that tear. We have follow ups and in a couple months a complete scan of my uterus to check for that tear more clearly. I need prayers for my health and for NO tear. This is extremely important for our desire to have more babies in the future. Speaking of which, Kyle and I have spoken with hope to have more. I think my hospital stay really forced us to talk about it even in a time when we are so broken but we both really want to make another baby that is so perfectly us again. I struggle with the reminder that it can’t be Alba.

When does my heart physically stop hurting when I think about her?

**I don’t work check or grammar check. I don’t really reread my writing as it’s just thoughts pouring out of me in the moment. So thank you for bearing through it.**