It took me a minute to realize I was already crying when I woke up this morning. Sleep is hard for me but when it finally comes it is restful. Unfortunately, the waking up part is brutal with that first minute of waking up filled with forgetfulness followed by the slam of remembrance. My mind forgot during my sleep but my body didn’t as I wiped tears before fully grasping what I was crying about. Why has it been so much harder for me now that we're back to our normal routine? I spent this entire year planning and thinking about what life would be like with Alba. Nani would be in school which would have helped me adjust during the week with only 3 babies. I would be googling lactation cookies for my milk supply and asking my instagram mama friends what they did to make breastfeeding easier. I’d wear a baby carrier with Alba sleeping on me and figure out how to make dinner during nap time instead of during the chaos hours of early evening in this house. I’d enjoy my quiet moments with her in the evening while the other 3 were in bed. I’d have her. But I don’t have her. I don’t get any of those moments I thought about all year. I don’t get my daughter. I try not to sit in these areas of anguish too long because it’s debilitating.
I quietly cried at the breakfast table with Cami and Sofi while they rambled on about coco melon and toast. When I covered my eyes in a moment of defeat, they giggled and said “peak a boo!”. I played into it and felt relief that our kids are too young to feel any of this loss or fully acknowledge what I’m going through.
I hope I have an easier time getting up from nap time today. Leaving my bed seems to be getting harder.
For the sake of sharing something productive today—I think of the book of Job a lot. A quick summary: satan goes into Heaven in front of God and His counsel and brings forth a challenge….to GOD. He claims that Job is only faithful because he has been given a prosperous life. If it all were taken from him or if he faced some real issues then his faith in God would dwindle. So God gives satan the ok to put Job through the ringer and he does. After taking everything from Job from his children, his livestock to his own health, Job is left in misery and defeat. His friends come to him and try to bring comfort and reason to why he’s going through what he’s going through. Job questions God but rebukes his friends' attempts to give reason to his trials. God finally comes down to Earth and drops the hammer on Job and his friends. For 3 whole chapters, God is going in on them.
“Where were you when I established the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who fixed its dimensions? Certainly you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?” Job 38:4-5
“Have you ever in your life commanded the morning or assigned the dawn its place, so it may seize the edges of the earth and shake the wicked out of it?” Job 38:12
“Have you traveled to the sources of the sea or walked in the depths of the oceans? Have the gates of death been revealed to you? Have you seen the gates of deep darkness? Have you comprehended the extent of the earth? Tell me, if you know this.” Job 38:16-18
The Lord goes hard and it’s eye opening. He finds easy answers to tough questions detestable. He goes on about every different thing we never could have dreamed of managing or even creating yet He does. He is our creator and who are we to question the potter as the clay? Who am I to think that I know how to manage creation better than the one who created it all?
Job has a moment of clarity and acknowledges to God about how insignificant he and his problems are in comparison. What are his hardships compared to the vastness of everything else going on in the earth and the heavens? I know that sounds harsh and way too selfless and don’t get me wrong, I sit here in my anguish and I don’t feel like my loss is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I feel like it’s world changing, heavens changing, and absolutely everyone should feel the impact of this loss with me because Alba was meant to be here and we shouldn’t be experiencing this. Why are we experiencing this? But we simply can’t understand the mystery of life and death. We aren’t permitted to fully understand how He works and reading the book of Job gives me comfort in that. For the sake of not leaving anyone hanging on how the story ends, satan loses his challenge. Job never abandons his belief in God after all of his trauma. Job stands firm in his faith and the book actually shares how God restores the last part of Job’s life more than the first. ---The bible even makes a point to say he had more children.
Thank you Lord for your word that gives insight and comfort through the hardest of experiences and topics. I bring my grief to you and I thank you for the blanket of peace you cover me with.