Today is an hour by hour kind of day. I just focus on what is directly in front of me at the moment whether that be preparing a snack for Sofi and Cami or sitting in front of this laptop and just typing whatever comes to mind. Both are equally as hard. Today marks the first day Kyle goes back to work. I’m filled with many emotions including separation anxiety. We’ve been so co-dependent on one another for help on the day to day tasks or just breathing through it when the tsunami of hurt comes unannounced. Today I’m silently crying alone on the couch while my 2 littles hand me snacks they made in their play kitchen. It’s both refreshing and grueling. Often more times than not I find myself feeling 2 opposite types of emotions at the same time. Grief is weird.
I don’t like how quick normalcy came back to my life since yesterday. Kyle and I have been absent parents the past 4 weeks and today marks the first time I’ve been alone with my kids while Kyle goes to work and the rest of the world continues moving without Alba. I hate it. I got comfortable and strong in the initial steps of trauma. Our moms watching our kids while we were in and out of the hospital or “running errands” to escape sitting in our pain. We had yet to even try to go back to normal life without Alba so this morning as Nani left for school, Kyle went back to work and neither mom was here to let me run away from my kids, I was forced to face what my life will now look like without my baby. And I’ll be honest, I have an amazing life. I know I do. I have an amazing husband, 3 beautiful healthy foster daughters, and the ability to be home everyday with those girls in a wonderful house. I have a great life for myself but it’s still without my Alba. It will always be without her which ends up making everything good in my life less good. -Just getting that out had me take a minute to not puke. My whole chest tightens and it’s hard to breathe when I think of the rest of my life now. The devil tries to creep in with feelings of shame and ungratefulness for what I still have in my life. God swoops in and reminds me that it’s ok to grieve.
“Jesus wept.” -John 11:35
One productive thing I did for the kingdom today through my sorrows was speak with the doctor that delivered Alba. The Holy Spirit had been telling me how much she has been hurting with us and I felt convicted to reach out and be sure to express how much we still love her. I told myself a long time ago that because of my past trauma that if I ever had anything happen to my child, no matter if anyone was at fault, I’d never choose anger but instead unconditional love. Kyle and I loved and still love all of the health care providers that tended to us in the hospital. So I spoke life over my doctor on our phone call this afternoon. I thanked God for His anointing upon her life as a physician and thanked Him for the assignment He has given her to continue delivering and saving babies. I hope her cup was filled from our conversation and I hope my love for her resonated well. My 2 traumas are so vastly different from each other but I feel I’ve been in both positions now— being someone involved in the loss of someone’s child and then the mother who lost a child. Thank you Lord for the deliverance you gave me last year to be able to be who I hoped I could be in a situation that I never imagined walking through.