10.28.21
Am I too dependent on this blog as a means to cope that I’m sitting here in a restaurant typing my feelings while Kyle uses the bathroom?
We have always had an amazing village when it comes to raising our kiddos. My mom is the best for helping Kyle and I stick to weekly date nights even in our hard times right now. Even after she and my MIL watched them for 3 weeks and then continued to stick around as Kyle and I slowly became present parents again. They both work so hard to help us.
11.1.21
I spent this entire year being pregnant with the excitement to meet Alba. A growing baby in my belly for the first time. I always made it known that while we wanted to foster children first before having our own, I wouldn’t have minded never having children biologically between Kyle and I. If it worked out then great but if not, we were so completely happy with our 3 girls. However, I have always wanted to experience pregnancy. This past year was exciting and happy. I loved Alba so much as she grew and kicked and hiccuped inside me. I couldn’t wait to meet her, I said it constantly. Kyle and I prepared our lives for the additional crazy that a 4th kid would bring to our already crazy lives. We were so excited. Now….it’s as if this past year never happened. When a loved one dies, especially someone who was a part of your daily life, your entire world is affected from your daily routine to the thought of calling them. I strangely don’t have that. My daily routine is back to normal; I’m not affected by this loss in a way that I would be if I had lost my spouse or even one of my 3 girls. As my health improves, it really is as if I was never pregnant or expecting a great joy in the arrival of Alba. My life continues on as a SAHM to 3 girls. Those thoughts fill me with emptiness and guilt for the lack of change losing Alba has brought to daily tasks of my life. The only change in my life is doing exactly what I was doing before but now just detrimentally depressed and filled with grief. Selfishly, it’s hard to be one of the only people truly missing her. Kyle and I struggle, she was our baby and we both wanted her, loved her, met her and held her. Our immediate family hurts over this loss too but it’s different. It’s not as if someone who many people had met, loved and knew had passed away. This loss is isolating due to that. Only someone who has had this exact same type of loss can truly understand. It’s lonely and empty.
I’m still throwing myself into bible studies, fellowship with other christian women, and reading the bible. I desire to dedicate more of myself to ministry and different movements to help further the gospel but I’m not sure I have much to offer. A depressing testimony that fills the room with heaviness? If I share it with a hopeful spirit, would that help? I don’t think so. I don’t have the wisdom or knowledge to pour into other women on how to grow closer to God, I’m still learning that for myself. But why is the Lord calling me to join in then? Especially now? Why so fresh into losing my daughter am I being called to throw myself into ministry? I don’t want to. I’d like to stay behind a computer and share my emotions, this is already so vulnerable and scary to me and I still struggle with what the point of sharing this is.
Currently, I am dealing with emotions of betrayal by the Lord. I love God with all my heart, soul and mind and I know His will for my life is better. I know He is faithful, I know he keeps all His promises for my life. I write all that to say that even knowing all of those things, I am still dealing with emotions of betrayal. I did everything right. I prayed for a healthy baby, I stood firm in affirmations for a healthy labor, delivery and baby. I read supernatural childbirth books, I fell asleep to audible supernatural childbirth books. I surrounded myself with the Holy Spirit and most of all I carried such strong faith that I was blessed with a beautiful pregnancy and I was going to be blessed with a beautiful healthy baby. The negativity of anything else that could happen otherwise was not agreed with. A literal week before the worst month of my entire life began, Kyle and I tithed and donated to various things like crazy. Not out of a prosperity gospel mindset, we don’t believe that what you give is what you get or that if we give enough or believe enough then God will always bless us, especially with something so worldly like money/finances. However, we felt convicted in the spirit to make this huge sacrifice for the sake of the kingdom and to deny our fleshly desires in money. I sit here and think of how we literally gave our car away and shorted ourselves of any additional money before payday because we felt the Holy Spirit moving in our finances to give it all. Why? I’m not sure but we obeyed. The heaviest spiritual warfare that we have ever faced began a week later. The bible says that tithing and denying our flesh makes moves in the spirit realm. It is a form of battling in the spirit against the enemy by denying this world and submitting to God. How much worse could it have been had we not obeyed? Honestly, I can’t picture anything worse than what happened, losing my baby. Would we have been worse off physically,mentally, emotionally? Would I not be feeling this supernatural peace had we not listened to the Holy Spirit that week before? How will God redeem this? Lord, tell me because I want to know NOW. When we give it ALL to Him, God always pulls through….yet, we lost everything instead. He is bound to pull through, He will pull through, just not how I envisioned it. I give my entire life to God, my faith is in Him only, I know he will keep every promise over my life. But God... how was taking Alba a promise that you kept over my life? I want to know.