10.19.21
I have yet to really dive into my first 2 weeks of grief here. It was such a painful (emotionally AND physically) experience that I flash back to moments that I have already forgotten about and realize how blurry it was to me. I’m beginning to get a cold from one of my kids and am dealing with painful joints and some chills. Nothing compared to when I had an infection in my c-section site but it triggered me emotionally. I realize I’ve blended the feelings of that physical pain with the emotional I was going through and now as I sit here covered in blankets and trying to rest, I can’t help but flash back to how I felt in those first days of losing Alba. PTSD has already arrived I guess and it brought the familiar emotions of despair with it. Even outside of those feelings are new ones of anxiety and worry about my health. I have never struggled with my physical health like I have these last 3 months. For context, I got Covid in August (nothing crazy but cold symptoms and chills luckily), then was diagnosed with Cholestasis (the insane itching was grueling), jumped right into an early induction that was ROUGH on my body (I pushed for 5 hours before my c-section and then the c-section was….rough) then spent a week in the hospital (2 days in ICU) for a severe infection of my c-section incision site and well we all know what I’ve been going through since. My body can’t catch a break. I am a person who never gets sick. I joke with Kyle how he gets sick every month (man colds of course).
10.20.21
Brushing my teeth before bed and I get random flashbacks of the many different doctors in ICU who came in to check me out but didn’t read my chart enough and congratulated me on my newborn and how hard it must be to be back in the hospital away from her.---- I get smacked in the face with the reminder that I am really going through this. I’m seriously going through the loss of a child, my Alba.
I am so freaking happy for new mamas…...but just so freaking sad for myself.
[I wrote a big piece about my day but realized it was filled with way too much bitterness to share publicly. I’ve kept it for myself, but sometimes I have to take a look at if I am helping or harming others with what I share.]
10.21.21
Health update: I am healing well, slowly and with discomfort still, but well. I am cleared for very light exercise at least! We have 6 more weeks until my big HSG test that will give us an entire look at my uterus to see if there is still a tear or not. We are praying for a healthy healed uterus so that we can get pregnant again.
The doctor that delivered Alba surprised me at my doctor’s visit too. It was amazing to see her and actually give her a hug. Women’s Excellence has such a huge place in my heart.
10.24.21
The book of James begins right away with addressing how we are to handle trials and hardship and honestly it’s NOT comforting.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. Let endurance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4 NIV
^^^ During seasons of blessings or even seasons of rest, I looked at this verse and told myself “oh yeah, I’ll definitely stand firm and know that the Lord’s will is greater and better than my own and I am only getting stronger from this” -- A whole what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger vibe, ya know? Yeah well…. Going through the crushing now makes me want to smack old me in the face. Pure joy? PURE JOY?! Nah fam, if anyone came up to me right now and threw this verse at me, I think I’d swing.
--Alright, let me refocus on my point. Currently, in my grief, I think that after smacking old me in the face for having that mindset, I’d apologize because I in fact do have that mindset at times….Yet, I feel like I have been thrown into a marathon against my will and I can’t quit or ever stop running to catch my breath. Yeah the endurance is building but I think I am dying at the same time so how is it worth it? I’d rather stop running in this marathon and die than see the finish line. But I can’t. So I run against my will, through the tears, the burning in my entire body, the unrelenting desire to stop, and just embrace the suck. There is nothing I can do right now to make myself feel better. Losing Alba and entering this season of grief has thrown control completely out of my life. I can only stand in my faith that God’s word is true. That he will build maturity and completeness in me through the endurance I am gaining in this loss. I’m not saying I feel joy like James tells us to feel, but I am feeling faithful.