10.15.21
Grief thoughts: I see other moms talk about loving their bodies because they birthed a human and they are so strong. I feel almost as if I fall short of being able to feel like that. I know my body is strong and resilient. I know I endured a lot but when I see these other amazing mamas share how strong they are from childbirth and they love their bodies, I feel as though I’m not as strong as them because I wasn’t able to take home the prize. My baby never came home and I can’t relate to feeling that my body endured all of that for an amazing reason because my prize isn’t here. I don’t get a prize. I’m left with a broken healing body for basically zero reason.
When I was dealing with grief for the first time, it was alone. I look back and think about how I have it easier now to be going through a loss alongside someone. Misery does in fact love company. I used to sit in my bedroom closet alone for days and just drown in my hurt. It’s still the most alone I’ve ever felt and hope to ever feel. Having a hand to hold that is experiencing the same loss as I am is selfishly way more reassuring. Even in the hard moments, where our coping strategies are complete opposites, it’s comforting to have Kyle with me in the hurt. Not at all to say that we don’t struggle. Kyle can be on edge and short towards others while in the middle of grieving. I refuse to project my hurt onto others through any sort of negative emotion because of the trauma that was instilled on me by Tami. Kyle saves his breakdowns for the car or in bed. I cry when I cry...We definitely butt heads in moments of torment because the feelings are so deep, the wound is still so raw and exposed that any sort of miscommunication, weird tone or even facial expression can set one of us off into a hypersensitive rant at the other. It’s draining, frustrating and suffocating at times to have to think about someone else's grief while I can barely cope with my own. It’s for these reasons that I immediately asked for prayer for our marriage in the beginning. Satan so badly hates marriage, a covenant between husband and wife so strong that Christ describes his relationship to the church (believers in Jesus) as his bride and he the groom.
I knew right away the toll that losing Alba could take on our relationship and I’m still extremely hyper aware of how we are doing separately and together. Kyle has never been one for therapy/counseling but he’s been asking for it. I need to be a better teammate and follow through when I say I’ll find someone everyday.
Do simple tasks eventually get easier? I cleaned my bathroom today but can’t answer any email or text. I’m in this bubble as a SAHM and I’m comfortable with my grief here. Seeing and talking to loved ones only makes life move on and losing Alba that much more real. I can’t face more reality right now. I can…. but I’m refusing.
10.18.21
This perfectly crisp sweater weather is my absolute favorite. The kind of fresh air that you can sit in comfortably and just be happy. That’s how I think of it anyways. How can Fall be my favorite time of year when it’s when all my trauma has happened? How do I find so much hope in the coming cool weather when I’ve been tormented so harshly during this season change?
Kyle and I sat at the banquet hall Saturday night to celebrate the life of my cousin who left us way too early. I watch my aunt a lot as she struggles and breaks down so openly. I find her strength to even function so inspiring until I realize I’m somehow doing the same thing. I don’t think you can compare grief to another person, it’s all grief but I sat there in my overthinking and pondered to Kyle if I would struggle more having known Alba for 30 years and then lost her or only the 4 days that we got. I imagined having known Alba’s personality, how she looked, who she became would be harder to let go. Kyle’s response knocked the wind out of me and I felt so dumb for even speaking those thoughts out loud. “I would have taken all the years of knowing her and who she became then forever wondering.” Man….That sucks to even write out and think about again. He’s so right. I wish I could have just a glimpse of who she would have become. I wish I could know what she would be like at 2, 13, 18,....30. I wish I could have her childhood with her, the hard teenage years, her entire life. I want her back. Someone at church prayed over me and said I would be able to raise her in Heaven, I hope they’re right. So like I said, you can’t compare grief. It’s all the same hard crap that no one wants to be going through.
Oakland Church has been one of the biggest blessings in my life throughout all of this. The love we have received from the very beginning as newbies has been astonishing. We have been welcomed into such a loving community through constant invitations to small groups and prayer that I feel has really done a number on Kyle too. The impact losing Alba has had on us has impacted both of our faith unbelievably for the better. How are we choosing to believe more boldly in a time like this? It’s supernatural. <--and when I say supernatural, I should clarify that I mean it’s God. There is no way I’m coping like this on my own, he is lifting my spirits and carrying the hard emotions for me.
I think of King David. Actually, God put King David on my heart one morning when I was woken up at 6am and called to pray. I asked God to directly send me confirmation that He is the one holding me up and that how I’m coping is because of Him. I even got specific and asked for an alert on my phone. The Holy Spirit followed through and sent me an alert 10 minutes later through my bible app with the message, “Meditate on 2 Samuel 12:20”.
20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
21 His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”
22 He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”
-2 Samuel 12:20-22
David had lost his son after spending the entire night fasting and pleading with the Lord to save him. The servants were scared to even tell David that his son had passed because of how distraught he was during this time. However, David responds to the death of his son in the opposite fashion and chooses to clean himself up and eat as a man of hope would. His logic is sound and his heart pours out the blessed hope only a child of God can have when he explains that someday he will reunite with his son. David goes on to comfort his wife and God blesses him with another child who ends up being the one to continue the line to Jesus, Solomon.
I never realized the amount of times my specific kind of grief with losing a child was mentioned in the bible.
Last thoughts of the day: If I’m coping this peacefully right now, will I explode soon with what I should be experiencing?
-I’m taking 29385 years to get my birth story written out. It’s not fun to rehash, and I put it off but I know I need to get it out now while the memories are fresh.